reverse threading

the path back is the path forward


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and i will meet you there. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

we made our way up the mountain pass, snow-covered pines lining the sides of the two-lane, our road winding its way to the summit of mount rose. after the peak we started down the other side. and then, there it was – peeking through the trees in the distance – lake tahoe. “…so terrestrial yet so openly spiritual.” (john muir)

mountains make me cry. and the vision of lake tahoe nestled further off was sheer beauty. a place i’d never been before, i had anticipated its allure. but – even after traveling at 35000 feet over a large swath of our nation – gazing down on unspeakably gorgeous land – i was still stunned by the incredible breath of fresh air offered by the lake, this largest lake in our country.

“as it lay there with the shadows of the mountains brilliantly photographed upon its still surface i thought it must surely be the fairest picture the whole earth affords,” mark twain.

to say that we needed a breath of fresh air would be to totally understate what it has felt like to be in this country at this time.

it has been madness. like sitting on a rail while the freight train is barreling toward you with no real ability to control it.

how there is any one in these united states not feeling a sense of horror is beyond me. every single day there is new malfeasance. every single day more shocking news. every single day we see it all driving toward the authoritarian state that they wish it to be. yet, the people discounting it continue to discount it. and we continue to barrel toward the falls – in this case, the fall – poised to go over, plummeting to the death of all we know.

it was as we were flying i turned to d and said, “can you imagine the ego trip it must be for the two men in the powerful position of president to know that they are in charge of everyone? every single person we are flying over. every single person in every single corner of every single place in this entire country?” i shudder to think of how this feeds their agenda and how insatiable their hunger for all control, unstoppable.

i ran down to the boulders on the side of the lake and stared at the view, tears coming to my eyes. the pure air, the cold breeze off the water, the rustling of wind through the pine, the looming mountains…all so refreshing, rejuvenating, restorative. we walked on the beach at water’s edge and i didn’t want to leave it behind.

but lake tahoe – this lake that has been this glimmering jewel about two million years – through thick and thin, abundance and penury – whispered to me…“when you need a moment to ground your feet, to still your breath, to slow your wildly-beating heart, go inside and stand by my shore. and i will meet you there.”

*****

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no j. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

the j had fallen down – behind the o and the y.

suddenly, it seemed right to leave it that way.

and just last week or the week before, i put the j away.

when you are from long island “oy” is not an uncommon response – to many things. it can span the spectrum from light-hearted to the intense, though, in reaction to the intense, you would be less likely to use the derivative and more likely to use the whole saying – oy vey!

surprise, dismay, grief, frustration, distress. all of it.

it seems like it was a particularly prescient moment for the j to fall and the oy to stand firm.

who am i to question gravity and the wisdom of corrugated galvanized metal?

*****

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how? [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

sometimes the before and after blur into each other – there is no real line of demarcation, no stop-this-start-that.

and sometimes it is very clear and there is no room for doubt. there is a most-definite before and a most-definite after.

we are in the after. after the before. after the then. it is now the now. we are here.

and it is nothing less than stomach-churning-head-pounding-heart-breaking.

and each day I wonder how on earth we got here.

and how on earth is it that so many people wanted us to be here?

*****

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the most elemental bits. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

siri sent an unsolicited message. good vibes that feel like warm little boosts of joy and confidence are certainly welcome right now. i wonder how she knew.

these are perilous times. i’m not quite sure how to stay balanced or in center. so any little vibe-boost helps.

we’ve turned the salt lamps on in our studios. we have an ampersand in our living room. we exercise regularly. we listen to guided imagery meditation. we cook and eat fresh foods. we get outside. we hike in the woods and along the river. we hug our dogga. we are cleaning out and making space. we feed and watch the birds in our backyard. we study barney aging in the garden. we wear toasty socks and fur-lined boots. we have baselayers on and keep the house cooler. we open the window at night. we have two fig newtons every day. we sip bold coffee from hydroflasks our girl gave us. we have wine – just in case – on the rack our boy gave us. we use moisturizing lotion each morning and night. we try to stay hydrated. we prepare and share dinner at least twice a week with others. we listen to music. we read. we hold hands. we dance – all three of us.

and – even with all that – you can feel it seeping in. the dread. the horror of what has already happened in merely one week. the ill intent.

and so, we reach to others. because together – those of us who find it perilous – these unacceptably cruel, undemocratic, oligarch-led times – we may bring boosts of joy and confidence to one another. at the very least, we will tend to the most elemental bits and pieces of life.

and siri will shower us with good vibes in the middle of it all.

*****

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this very day. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

“…its first three words – ‘we the people’ – affirm that the government of the united states exists to serve its citizens.” (re: the constitution of the united states – senate.gov)

“of the people, by the people, for the people…” (president abraham lincoln)

we the people. the citizens of the united states.

“we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” (declaration of independence – archives.gov)

we the people. all citizens of the united states. equally.

the constitution of the united states has merely 4543 words (including signatures) which will take about one-half hour of reading. with the 28 amendments (now including the ERA) there are 7615 words, adding less than another half-hour.

the declaration of independence is 1458 words (including signatures) and takes about ten minutes to read.

today – this very day – might be an apt day to read these.

today – this very day – might be the day to consider – carefully – the words of these most sacred documents of this country.

today – this very day – might be the day to ponder what you consider integrity, truth, values, morality, decency.

today – this very day – might be the day to study the alignment of what you say you hold dear and what you do with your vote as a citizen of these united states.

today – this very day – might be a time to reflect.

because it’s way too late to not pay attention.

shamefully, today – this very day – is evidence of that. where now is this country today – this very day?

“we have also come to this hallowed spot to remind america of the fierce urgency of now. … now is the time to make real the promises of democracy.” (martin luther king, jr.)

“the time is always right to do what is right.” (martin luther king, jr.)

we the people are watching.

because today – this very day – there is most definitely a fierce urgency to do what is right.

*****

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roll tide. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

when you write a blog every-day-every-day you are opening your stream of consciousness up to anyone who cares to read it. we have no preconceived notions of our blogs – they are simply a practice of artistry – of writing – one medium through which we might express ourselves.

i would suppose – as i scroll back through blogtime – that these might appear somewhat – well – scattered. because we haven’t opted for a blog that is entirely about one thing – unless you count that they are about living life – we traverse all over the place.

sometimes, they are about creating – through music or paint – and sometimes they are about the tiniest of moments lived. sometimes they are absolute rants about inequalities or the disenfranchising of people or those in high positions pushing other people under the proverbial bus. they are not the entirety of life but they are schnibbles of our lives, our experiences, our thoughts, our worries, our successes or deep disappointments. sometimes one of us – in our individual blog – is off the rails and sometimes it’s the other. sometimes we write and erase the whole thing. sometimes it is all just too much to share. facing vulnerability is alive and well in this sort of thing.

so as you ride the coaster with us – if you are choosing to ride it – know that we are not lingering in one place or the other. like you, we are surfing the full spectrum – end point to end point. we are sorting and wondering and asking questions and trying to do the best we can at getting through while being sure to relish every good thing we see or feel or experience.

we’d love to be all rainbows and bubbles and sunrises – as i was accused of by my dear friend marc all through high school – but living isn’t just all that. and sometimes, people need to hear that they are not alone in what they feel or in how they are struggling. i know we do.

and so, our blogs ride the tide – a virtual tidal wave – of emotion that is life these days. we’d love to know that we have made you smile. we’d also love to know we somehow made you weep.

when my cds were being sold on the television shopping network qvc, i received a note from a stranger. she told me that her dad had passed and that when she went to his home in texas to sit and write his memorial service, she wandered about, looking for clues about his last days so that she might include them in the service. she found three cds in his CD player – all three of them mine. she played them for his service and told me that i was on the journey of his last days on earth. it was humbling and gratifying to read her words and to know that the ripples – those incessant concentric circles of all manners – i sent out in my recordings had wrapped around someone and, perhaps, comforted them.

even in the worst of moments, in the worst of writing, in the darkest of blogs, i wonder if someone out there is nodding their head, glad to know they aren’t the only one feeling what they feel. i also wonder if someone is out there growling. both.

a long time ago i was told that as an artist it’s not my job to determine what happens in the out there – it’s just my job to put it out there.

in this new year – a tidal roller coaster promising to be of giant proportion – let’s hold hands and know we aren’t alone in the roll.

isn’t that the point anyway?

*****

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what will be the Real? [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

it was almost like a reverse-print. the trail revealed only the snow-footprints left behind.

i studied photography a bit in college. this trail was like the negative of the positive. in darkroom speak, a “negative” is a reversed image – the dark is light and vice versa – when you shine light through the negative onto the paper upon which you’re printing, the tones revert back to their correct appearance, to that which is Real.

the snow of the trail had blown off, save for the footprints. as people used to seeing footprints stamped in the snow, it is somewhat odd to see just the snowprints on a dirt trail.

i couldn’t help but ponder the parallel.

what will we leave behind as our footprints in 2025? what impression will we make? what impact will we have? what will people see on the path after we have walked on?

when we shine light through all we are, all we do, all we say in 2025, what will be the Real printed for all time?

*****

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the unflashiest. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

my process is different than his,” she said. i had to laugh. yes…yes…that is the truth.

the getting-ready-to-leave process is most definitely different man-to-woman, at least in my experience and the experience of my dear girlfriend.

they-who-shall-remain-nameless are ready to go. they’ve chosen their shoes, their coat, their hat if it is cold, their gloves, their scarves or neck gaiter or buff – whatever – and they are ready. meanwhile, we-the-other-person-in-the-equation are doing just-one-more-thing, turning off lights, turning on lights, closing the blinds, opening the blinds, filling the dogdish with water, getting tissues for our pocket or purse, grabbing a water bottle and a larabar justincase, as well as sorting through shoes and hats, scarves and gloves or mittens, choosing between a purse or a backpack. the decisions are not as – er – straightforward nor as quickly quick, particularly if we are multi-tasking…not to mention that we are proud putterers. but – at least here – and i know there, too – we eventually meet at the back door, kiss the dog goodbye and actually leave the house.

so “ready in the flashiest of flashes” in the department store jewelry department scene of love actually cracks me up, every single time. as the incomparable salesperson rufus fusses over gift-wrapping a necklace, the purchaser chomps at the bit to go (no plot-spoiler here) – yet rufus continues to wrap – tissue paper, a box, another bauble, yet another layer, a cellophane bag, more froufrou, eucalyptus, a cinnamon stick, another box. it is most definitely funny – “mr. bean” just being utterly charming to start with – all while the giftbuyer shifts from one foot to the other. and…in an unrelated though pertinent point, i can relate to the layered gift wrapping – i love to find ways to wrap things that might best showcase the item.

i think that d has gotten used to my unflashiest-of-flashes – yet thoroughly charming, i’m sure – exits. he usually says something like, “we’re not in a rush” or “take your time” to assuage my tendency to start feeling guilty about the everpresent one-more-thing-to-do and he also knows that being rushed makes me a tad bit cranky (“tad bit” is fluid and deliberately amorphous….) so it is definitely a self-preservation thing.

and so he is careful not to shift from one foot to the other. he is careful to not say, “ready to go??” (especially with many question marks). he is careful to find something to do – with his coat and hat and gloves and buff on – while he waits. he is careful to move in slowwwwest motion heading to the back door.

for we here – at least one of us – is not ready in the flashiest of flashes.

eh. que sera sera.

*****

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find light. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

“in the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan. earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone. snow had fallen, snow on snow. snow on snow. in the bleak midwinter, long ago.” (in the bleak midwinter – gustav holst, christina rossetti)

it is rare now for us to read the news. we are not watching it on any screen nor listening to it. it is bleak, iron-fisted, filled with stone-cold hearts.

but…even now…somewhere, deep in the winter – now darker and colder – now more barren and bleak, is spring.

john o’donohue wrote, “within the grip of winter, it is almost impossible to imagine the spring.”

in the same blessing he also wrote, “from the black heart of winter a miraculous, breathing plenitude of color emerges. … the rhythm of emergence is a gradual slow beat always inching its way forward…”

our wish for each other…that we find in our heartbeat, light. and that we bring that light to another.

and the grip of winter will not hold.

“the cold is relenting; seeds are wakening up. colors are beginning to imagine how they will return…”

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this MERELY-A-THOUGHT MONDAY

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indulging out, indulging in. [kerri’s blog on two artists tuesday]

we were talking about what it used to be like – out holiday shopping.

we both individually remember the out-and-about of windowshopping and browsing and pondering and findingjusttherightthing as including the time and space for stopping, for a nice cup of coffee and a treat, maybe for lunch out.

it was sheer indulgence the other day when we used a long-saved gift card for dinner out after a fun day of shopping. and yesterday, we did a thing.

we actually – mid-day-mid-shopping – stopped at a bakery to pick out a danish (yes, sacrificing the usual gluten-free-ness) and then we went next door to starbucks to get a christmas blend coffee. we shared both – jubilant at the “old-timey” tradition we were re-enacting, pretty happy with ourselves that we chose to take the time and splurge on coffee and a treat.

it’s beginning to look a lot like christmas!

i spent a-couple-years-less-than-a-decade celebrating christmas in florida. though everyone still decorates and the holiday rush is still pushing you forward, it never quite felt the same as christmas up north. i suppose if i had grown up in the south it – the traditions and rituals and things i associate with christmas – would be different, but having grown up in the northeast, i associate the holidays with being bundled up, the cold, the snow, pink cheeks and noses, mittens and scarves. there is a different sparkle to twinkle lights in snow.

we here in our neck of wisconsin may not have a white christmas this year. but it will be brisk enough for the deck to make cracking noises as we walk to our backdoor, for the radiators to clunk a little, for the wood floors to creak under our feet. ice will paint beautiful images on a couple of the north-facing windows, the stars in the bitter sky will seem brighter and dogga will be in his glory laying outside in the cold. it’ll be cozy inside, surrounded by the glimmering trappings of the holiday.

maybe – as we continue our march toward Christmas Day – in-between bits of shopping and wrapping and shipping and clearing out and giving away – we will take a few minutes here and there to celebrate the right-now of it all. maybe we’ll consider another coffee out, another pastry. maybe we’ll bundle up and go see some special lights. maybe – just maybe – i’ll play some carols in my studio. this is the time of year i especially miss creating a space – with and through music – in which other hearts might open to the spirit of the holidays, to sink into that which they feel but cannot see.

as adults – whose bars for enchantment are higher than in childhood or for whom perhaps reality has life-light-dimmed – we all sometimes struggle as these times roll around. we know it’s up to each of us to create any magic in these holidays, to recognize it, to linger in it. the tiniest bit of indulgence goes a long way. indulging out and indulging in.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this TWO ARTISTS TUESDAY

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