there is little as comfortingly sweet as watching your dog sleep. dogdog is whirling motion so when he sleeps in your presence it is a magical time of trust and deep respite. the vision of him asleep on the bed or in the middle of the living room rug is a picture of all-is-right-in-the-world; he has no other cares except he is with his people and he can rest.
some of the times i remember most about when My Girl and My Boy were young are the times they fell asleep with me holding them, in my arms, on my lap. the moment you feel their little-child-body relax and fall into you. exquisite.
it’s that moment you sigh and lay your head back to nap with someone you love. the moment you close your eyes on the beach towel in the sun, warm sand beneath you. the moment you drift off in the grass watching the clouds. oh yes, the moment your face plants against the window at the rest area during your long journey and a couple hours pass by. the moment, hiking in high mountains, you lean against a tree and your eyes close to the sound of the wind in the aspens.
rest. a time of no real conscious worry. a time of innate trusting that all-will-be-well. a time of repose, of tranquility, of solace.
i have found, sometimes, if i want to go to sleep and cannot, that if i watch dogga or babycat sleep it will slow my overthinking-breathing. it will settle my heart and mind a bit. it will remind me that my own whirling motion – physical, intellectual, emotional – needs time to rest, to curl up on the living room rug and close my eyes.
my aunt texted me a link to an article that was published in a long island news source. the state of ny recently enacted the child victims act, extending the statute of limitations for a survivor of child sexual abuse in criminal and civil cases.
the article she sent was about a woman, now 58, who alleges sexual abuse by a music teacher in her middle school years that extended into her high school years, a young woman whose first sexual experience was forced upon her by a man twice her age.
i just re-read the article online, which had 70 comments by readers, a mixed bag of revulsion, outright indignation and seething condemnation. people who claimed this woman was lax in her non-reporting way-back-when and was now after the money in a civil suit. people who knew that this music teacher had been assaulting young girls for years and years, whose pedophilia was ignored by the administration and who were now cheering for the uncloaking of the mantle of silence, a journey to possible justice. people who were sickened.
i alternatively sobbed and couldn’t breathe trying to click on this article on my phone when i got the text. i needed to download an app, couldn’t think straight to remember my apple sign-in; i was not at home and was anxious to get there and read in the safety of our kitchen. i was sure that i knew who this un-named alleged perpetrator/rapist/pedophile was.
when we got home, i was able to download the app and read the article aloud. no name was mentioned of the man-who-was-accused-of-heinous-acts-with-little-girls, but a school location was and it was then i realized that – in two different towns, side-by-side, in the late 70s – there were at least two men who made it their mission to prey, to take the virginity of young women and forever change those young women’s lives. the man who stole my innocence and the innocence of girls i tried in vain to protect was a different man than the one in this article.
there was no victim-witness division in the prosecutor’s office back then. in an all-too-common story, not one of the assaulted pressed charges. as far as i know, both of these men walk freely about, wherever they live. the smallest among us may still be suffering their disgusting acts. i can vouch for the fact that the fallout of the act does not end; this breach of trust, this contemptible forcing of will, the abhorrent power-wielding by another leaves fossils in every cell.
we stumble into small-but-profound acts of impact. people donating used mascara wands to aid in the cleansing, and thus, healing, of small wild animals in need of care. donations of suitcases to foster care agencies to give children a place, besides a plastic bag, to keep their tiny collection of belongings.
it may not balance out the atrocities, but these gestures, these initiatives help. we are responsible for each other.
protecting the smallest among us. the children. the creatures. why can’t this be the most important?
a fine line. the place between pre-joy and joy. for mike libecki there is no space on the continuum between the two. it is merely one or the other. pre-joy or joy.
mike is a mountain climber. because i am an obsessive mountain-climbing-video-documentary-movie-watcher, we watched him and cory richards in their national geographic antarctic mountain climb to summits not reached before. it was brutal. the wind. the weather. the elements of the climb. agonizingly difficult.
but mike was adamant, stating above the furious wind again and again, “it’s either joy or pre-joy.” any moment of torturous climbing or bearing the effects of the weather was a moment of ‘pre-joy’. all other moments were ‘joy’. it’s an amazing way to look at things. an amazing way to look at life. everything leads to joy. you are always in joy or on your way there.
in what we would describe as a watershed time, this short quote is a lesson in staying grounded. in sentiment i have heard before, but never as succinctly shorthand, a reminder to look always to the light, the horizon, not backwards, not at the dark, not measuring in the negative. re-group, re-center, re-evaluate, re-perspective-arrange and move through pre-joy to joy. a cup always with something in it, never empty. always a portion waiting for you to add to it, make the best assumptions, hope, appreciate, carry the jug to the next waterhole for it is there. “we must live sweet,” mike says.
we carry the torch so often for the negative. we moan and complain and gossip and pick fights. in this roller coaster of life, what about carrying the torch for joy? what about lighting the way for yourself, for others, helping to find the light, the joy? believe that we are only an ice-pick or a few carabiners or a length of rope away. we are on the mountain. all of us.
i would like to try to remember this “it’s either pre-joy or joy” and live and work and play by it.
because i believe in joy and the sheer power, potential of joy; it’s a force. i just need remember to believe that all roads lead there. one day is joy. the next is pre-joy. it is all on the same continuum. it is all the same life. we all share the same possibility. all paths summit.
not being a real true climber, i’m not sure if the above statement is really true. what about the “hit. climb. hit. climb.” of ice-picking your way up? what about crampons? what about ropes and aluminum ladders perched against the icy pitch?
i do, however, know this quote has good intentions.
we are hikers. trekkers. i/we have never used a rope or crampons or ladders or ice picks to get from point a to point b. and watching a mountainload of everest and k2 videos, documentaries and movies hardly makes us experts in the area of climbing. we are not even novices.
but, in terms of the metaphor of this quote, i can relate.
surely, climbing a mountain with nothing to grip onto would be nearly impossible. all organic. all analog. i’m sure alex honnold would agree that if there is nothing at all to hold, with either his hand or his foot, that would make free-climbing such a face a feat of the imagination. there has to be something. some overlap. some crevice. some tiny blip of rock. something.
so. enter the rough. or, in the case of the metaphoric quote, rough times. how would we ever get to the top without them? would we actually recognize the top? would we appreciate the top? would we scale the uphill were it smooth? could we?
or did some smart-ass mountaineer quote this just to mess with us?
clearly, the men and women who have climbed everest with all its personality traits, its twists and turns, its icefalls and crevasses, its sharp ridges and its deep snow have dealt with all of it. they have not turned away as it was too smooth. they have not turned away as it was too rough. they have persisted.
and maybe that there is the point. despite the rough, the smooth, the easy, the hard, the oxygenated, the death zone, the chilling cold, the sun heating the seracs, the avalanches, the perilous altitudinal affects, the glorious summit stands ready.
the mountaintop. it’s there for anyone who just keeps on going. through it all.
the ernie straw. this straw has lived in the kitchen drawer for decades. it served the sesame-street-zeal of My Girl and My Boy when they were little-little and has made various appearances back in the sunlit-world from time to time since then.
this summer when The Girl was here house-sitting i came home and into the kitchen to find her using it to sip her pre-workout drink. she laughingly told me, “it’s a good straw!” i can’t tell you how happy i was that ernie was still in the drawer when she went searching for the perfect sipping-utensil.
in the last week, ernie has become my constant companion. positioned carefully in my coffee hydroflask or perched in my water glass or teetering out of a wine glass, ernie and i have done beverage-life together.
they say necessity is the mother of invention and, particularly, this past week with two broken wrists, i would have to agree. stuck closer to the right side of my brain as a creative thinker (although admittedly there is quite a bit of ny-style-left-side there as well) i have had to sort out how to do things, let’s say, in-a-different-way.
i can proudly say that i can put on my socks, eat my own meal with a fork or a spoon, cut a steak (with the steak knife lodged into my RH cast), put on a little eyeliner and mascara with my LH steadying my right hand (not easy, but some things are just necessary), and type. last night i squeezed (!) the toothpaste out of the tube and surprised d with his toothbrush pre-pasted. in bigger news, i have played my piano four days in a row. i have 9 fingers to use right now; my right thumb is immobilized. but there are a lot of notes you can play with nine fingers, especially at the right angle and taking your time.
ernie and i are trying to keep a good attitude. his curlycue-ness is pretty cute and his smile engaging. he keeps me from feeling too sad, too limited. he reminds me that the constraints i feel right now are exercising my creative juju (he’s a ridiculous optimist). and he, most importantly, ties me to all the years backward, where he, yes, an inanimate object, has been a part of my life and the life of my children.
i couldn’t be more grateful to have found this life-gossamer-thread in our kitchen drawer last monday, the day i was injured. once again, something profound and something simple – and both remind me of what’s important.
i sent My Girl a photo of ernie in my coffee vessel. she quickly replied, “it’s a good straw!” yes.
we bought snowpants. on sale for only $7 they are a wise investment for two people who hike year-round out in the woods or wherever we are. it’s a big deal for us to buy anything new so, this time, instead of looking at them every day and saving them for good (ala beaky) we celebrated our good deal by putting them on, going out in the snowy woods and hiking.
we were pretty much silent. you could hear snow falling from the trees and the crunching of our boots on the trail. but we didn’t talk much. with so many things to talk to about and the woods being our best meeting room it was unusual. but sometimes, it is silence that is most needed.
our path, like this stream, has zigged and zagged. it has brought us past jagged rocky times and through sweet gentle lapping pools. it has been lit by warm sun and darkened by the deep worry of late night.
but one thing is always consistent in the inconsistency of life. no matter how we arrive in the woods, no matter the angst we bring. arm in arm, because it is our habit, we walk through the woods. arm in arm on the trail we silently hike toward quieting our hearts and minds. under trees older than our troubles, arm in arm walking reaches past even anger-inspired words, things spoken in frustration. arm in arm we remember all that is good, all that is certain. the day’s hurdles and fears and unease fade as the sun sets. and we zag.
1977. graduation. yashica fx-2. my most-prized possession and my constant companion was the 35mm single lens reflex camera my momma and dad gave me when i graduated from high school. it went everywhere with me and i made every reason to be out and about with it, capturing sunrises, sunsets, beaches, state parks, roadtrips, lighthouses, birds and other wildlife, my nieces and nephew. i loved this camera and still have it, although i haven’t used it in years. i learned about f-stops and aperture openings, film speed and depth of field – all with this camera.
somewhere along the way, automatic cameras began to reign supreme and i joined the ranks with a minolta that made taking pictures of My Girl and My Boy easier, faster, somewhat brainless. as they were little and moments passed in lightning speed, this camera made moment-seizing more possible, although one still had to wait till the film was developed to see if you were successful. sometimes it was the blurry photo, the funny face, the i-wasn’t-trying-to-get-that-picture photograph that are the prizes. they are the ones we couldn’t erase, delete, photoshop, filter. they were what they were.
i remember roll after roll, walking in to rode’s camera shop and taking advantage of their double-print deal, always sending photographs to grandparents, family and friends who were afar. having sorted through every one of the prints in recent years, i can honestly say that i have literally thousands of photographs of my children when they were growing up. perhaps this is the reason they roll their eyes at me now when i want to take pictures of them?
i can’t help but think of what i might have captured on film had digital cameras or cellphones with the exquisite-cameras-of-today been around back then. video without having a gigantic vcr camcorder on your shoulder or even a smaller, still cumbersome 8mm camera, instant photos that you can preview and take over, every photo or image or video ‘fixable’, ‘changeable’, ‘alterable’.
i have to say i am a little envious of the ability of parents today who are able to document their children, their travels, their, well, every move, not to even begin to mention selfies, and instantly facebook-post it, email it, text it, snapchat it, instagram it, tweet it, snapfish or shutterfly-book-it, sharing it with the world. it’s so simple. their documentation will be so much more complete, the phone-camera a constant companion with no real added burden of weight or case or extra lenses or film or a flash. the rise and ease of amazing technology.
it was with a sense of uh-oh-we-really-are-getting-olderrrrr that we happened upon the display of cameras and movie cameras in the antique shoppe. i wanted to pick each one up, look through the viewfinder, compose a photo or two. i was instantly transported back to crabmeadow beach with susan, climbing the fence to snag a few sunrise pictures. i was in the boat with crunch, cruising long island sound lighthouse to lighthouse. i was on the floor with my babies, catching their moments.
there was something magical about waiting for that old film to develop. something that made it sometimes easier to put the camera, the device, away. something that made it paramount to memorize -for your very own mind’s eye- the most precious of events, the most intimate details, the agonizingly briefest purity of a perfect moment in time.
“i believe the children are our future. teach them well and let them lead the way…”
“i believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows…”
“i believe in music. i believe in love.”
“believe in the magic that can set you free….”
“i believe when i fall in love with you…”
“believe it or not i’m walking on air…”
“i believe i can fly…”
“i believe in love, i do…”
“believe me, oh, believe me…”
“believe it or not i’ve been waiting for you to come through…”
“i want to believe in my fellow man. yes, i want to believe…”
“oh, everyone believes…”
“you know i believe and how…”
“i believe in you and me…”
“oh i believe in you…”
“i’m a believer…”
“don’t stop believing…”
all lyrics. just a mere short-list. lots of believing. there must be something to it. a natural tendency, a listing in that direction. always hope. always belief. we fall and we get up. we fail and we try again. we hurt and we heal. we keep on keeping on.
because humanity is full of belief. in basic tenets of goodness, regardless of how you profess divinity. belief. the silken gossamer threads of breath. the accumulation of knowledge and emotion, question and certainty, analysis and intuition, feeling, communicating, learning. the struggle to stay centered. and believe.
it is a new day. filled with new promise, new possibility, new adventure, new hope, new light. no matter what, the light comes. it cannot be snuffed out, for after every night there is day. it is sure.
we look to the horizon and, like the most exquisite of tall-stemmed flowers, we lean toward the sun. we grow. we rest.
we know, intrinsically, that even in circumstance where our own light is dampened, when it is dark, when we feel extinguished, exhausted, profoundly saddened, the tiny light that flickers from deep within, from others, from sunrise, can reignite our zeal, rejuvenate us, restore us, bring us bravely back to day.
happy new day. happy new year. happy new decade. happy new light.
day’s end is close. today was christmas. between last night’s eve and today we sang songs. we played carols. we lit luminaria in the backyard under an oddly warm midnight sky. we hiked in twilight woods. we gazed in the dark at trees we decorated and lit with strands of lights and glinting silver ornaments. we cooked meals and sipped wine. we watched as The Boy and The Girl opened gifts. we unwrapped presents and cards sent to us, set aside, waiting for today.
and in all of that? the common denominator?
love.
surely the spirit of the holiday season can help to mend all rifts, help to inspire goodness, help to heal us. in this world of hypocrisy, we can be united. it matters not which holiday we celebrate. what matters is heart and the rich universal tenets that march hand in hand with love.
reverse threading 