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the path back is the path forward

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what you don’t know. [kerri’s blog on flawed wednesday]

i’m not sure why no one early in my life mentioned to me that thru-hiking the appalachian trail or the pacific crest trail – or any long trail for that matter – was a possibility. sans internet or social informant i feel like i totally missed this information and – more so – this opportunity. neither of my parents were hikers and long island wasn’t really a granola outdoorsy hiking kind of place. my spare time was spent at the water, on the water, in the water – the sound and the ocean were the guiding lights there. but what you don’t know you don’t know.

so now, here we are – in our sixties – both pretty enamored of the idea of thru-hiking. consequently, we watch the videos of many, many hikers – as you know – studying their gear and their processes, their fortitude and their bliss, their bag-meals and their tiny stoves and – for me, especially – their water filtering systems and photography methods.

one of my favorite field trips is to REI. though we are clear – and, probably, ridiculously obvious – in our lack of knowledge about likely ninety percent of the items there, we love wandering and dreaming, pondering aloud the merits of each piece of gear we see. we linger near the coffee systems and the sleeping pads, knowing that both coffee and sleeping would be paramount.

and over by the EAT sign at the store are the most amazing bag-meals – of every sort. so many options, though pricey, they eliminate our fantasy of some chef bamboo-picnic-basket-droning in our evening dinner with a tiny box of wine and wine glasses. in reality, it is more likely to find us with the tortillas and peanut butter, tuna bags and ramen – practical, inexpensive, lightweight – that are commonplace in backpacks all along the trails. we dream anyway.

nevertheless, every time we go to REI, it, once again, occurs to me that i was uninformed which in turn makes me wonder, wonder, wonder about what else i was uninformed. we immerse in learning. because it is a good thing to learn.

as time marches on in the corrupt takeover of our country, i have found there is much i did not learn before. reading historical recounting – now – that gives context to today’s grab at authoritarianism stuns me at times. “i-didn’t-learn-that-did-you-learn-that???” has come out of my mouth more than once.

i’m astounded at the connecting-of-dots and what the perspective that this country’s true history have revealed about what is happening now.

i’m disgusted by the gross efforts to thwart access to this information, to bury our history, to distort the truth of this country’s difficult and ugly path.

it is insanity to whitewash the timeline of these united states . we have much to learn from our past – so much possibility to learn from our mistakes, the opportunity to grow as a democracy, to come ever closer to the intended dream of e pluribus unum.

sweeping it all under the rug instead reveals the underlying evil intention – pure evil – for the “great again” is not really great at all. it is the elimination of fought-for civil rights, the oligarchic hoarding of money, the plundering of lawful checks and balances, the annihilation of justice, the imbalance of power, the dumbing-down of the populace, the retribution tour of a small soulless man and his rabidly-panting project-overtake puppet-cronies all hungry for bright white control.

it is a good thing to learn.

because what you don’t know you don’t know.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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these dang chips. [kerri’s blog on two artists tuesday]

we try to resist. these days it’s nearly impossible.

i mean, we don’t have a whole heckofalotta vices but these dang chips – well – we have succumbed.

we do try to avoid them by keeping them out of the house. if you don’t go to costco you can’t buy them. if you go to costco (a store we adore for their staunch support of diversity, equity and inclusion) but don’t costco-mosey and don’t go to the wall-o-chips, you can’t buy them. if you go to costco and actually buy them but don’t open the bag and leave it on the top shelf of the left side of the pantry in the kitchen, you can’t eat them.

yet, even with all these avoidance techniques, we have failed – numerous times – miserably. and then we think – eh – so what – it’s just a bag of chips! it’s not like a crime against humanity – which we can identify because we are seeing plenty of those these days.

so we eat chips.

my name is kerri and his name is david and we eat chips.

but only sometimes.

not all the time.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this TWO ARTISTS TUESDAY

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take it seriously. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

tomorrow we will go to the voting booth again. we take this seriously each and every time.

for weeks now we have been inundated with postcards, signs, doorstep visits, calls, texts, emails – because – tomorrow – our state has a state supreme court justice vote.

because people – so, so many people – are one-issue voters and seemingly easily swayed – there is much fervor over this election. it’s important in many ways – gerrymandering the state and abortion rights at the forefront.

one candidate would like to keep wisconsin both gerrymandered and rolled back to 1849 – when there were few rights for women – including the right to determine their own healthcare, when, even in the case of rape or incest, abortion was outlawed. now, it goes to figure that this candidate is a man – because, well, of course. sexist misogyny in the usa.

the other candidate – a woman – wishes to keep wisconsin out of the 19th century because, well, we’re a quarter of the way into the 21st century now. she would like women’s rights to be equitable to men’s, because, well, that equality thing and all. she would like people to have equal voting rights. again, that equality thing. enlightened in the usa.

because reading, researching, asking questions, seeking truth seem to have gone by the wayside, the candidate-supported-by-the-oligarch-buying-votes who believes in suppressing workers’ voices, stripping healthcare and fair pay, supporting giant corporations and the extraordinarily wealthy can just as easily win as the woman-earning-the-votes can – this woman who has fought to protect workers’ fair pay and benefits, secure affordable healthcare.

because, well, people zero in on one – and only one – issue and vote on that with no consideration of the overview, the other issues, the fact that they are being hoodwinked into thinking that this candidate – who has opined on the one issue – has any policy whatsoever that aligns with the values of democracy.

to vote on one issue is to lose perspective of the whole. and the candidates – the ones on the red wagon screaming about trans people and dei and fraud and waste and conception and various other distractions that are entertaining wagonriders – are throwing the tenets of democracy into the gutter and are counting on wagonriding mob-mentality stupidity.

tomorrow we will go to the voting booth again. we desperately hope that we will be able to say this again in two years, in four years, from now on. we take it seriously each and every time.

we hope every single person with the privilege of voting – in any state of this country – takes it seriously as well. these are the moments that will make or break democracy. take – at least – a minute and inform yourself. don’t get lost in the weeds of propaganda or gross misinformation.

these are gravely earnest times.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this MERELY-A-THOUGHT MONDAY

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signs galore. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

i don’t remember ever seeing as many political signs over the course of a decade as this past decade. i – frankly – am weary of it, though, i must say, it gives you a shortcut into someone’s mindset. without even a conversation with the stranger in a particular house with a particular sign, you can pretty much assume (and, yes, i know the perils of assumption) their stance. though earlier decades would have necessitated intelligent conversation and debate, this decade has made staaaaances abundantly clear.

with flags flying and banners bannering and yard signs standing tall and proud, the political fight has taken to gardens and yards and flagpoles and suspended from the eaves of peoples’ homes. enough already.

in vapid displays of tactlessness, there – apparently – is no longer any leaning to abide by the ‘political signs should be removed within seven days after the election’ legislation so often mandated by municipalities, cities, states et al. enough.

and because it always seems like we are in some sort of election cycle, it is now never-ending. signs galore. enough.

it is exhausting. and rather depressing. to see – without a doubt – what you are surrounded by.

i – wholeheartedly – prefer signs of spring.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this SATURDAY MORNING

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what will happen? [kerri’s blog on k.s. friday]

“sometimes hope is a radical act, sometimes a quietly merciful response, sometimes a second wind, or just an increased awareness of goodness and beauty.” (anne lamott)

he burst back in the front door exclaiming, “you have to go see!!”

for good reason.

the day lilies had poked through the leaves and dried stalks and, in the middle of all that brown – tucked up against the old brick wall – there was green.

the brick wall holds the warmth of the southern sun. nestled in that garden, the day lilies – an ordinary plant with nothing froufrou about it – were encouraged and nurtured. and so, even in the cold temperatures and the occasional snow flurry, the day lilies responded. gleefully. and their rising out of the dirt, their bright green of newness, gave me – us – hope. spring is here.

it would seem that people are not much different. there is a spring for ordinary people – with nothing froufrou about them – who are encouraged and nurtured. there is hope.

this country – filled with ordinary folks – has generally prided itself – congratulated itself – on its stance on human rights, on altruism, on its generosity of safety net programs. the melting pot that is the populace has been supported by a democracy that upholds humane values of fairness, equity, legality, goodness, kindness.

but it appears now we have been congratulating ourselves on something that was ticking its way out of existence, being usurped by intense greed and corruption, shallow conscience and deep-seated hatred. this source of our national pride is disintegrating right in front of us – being poisoned and stifled and ripped to shreds – and now it seems demolition is seconds away.

and there is nothing that the sun, the warm bricks, the insulating dry leaves and brush can do.

what will happen to the day lilies?

“hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. you wait and watch and work. you don’t give up.” (anne lamott)

*****

WATERSHED © 2004 kerri sherwood

read DAVID’s thoughts this K.S. FRIDAY

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shiny and matte. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

each morning now, as dogga awakens us or we just mosey out of sleep unprompted by a cold nose snuffling us, i can hear the birds. in the middle of every everything, it is the birdsong that gives me joy as i wake.

when i was growing up on long island, my birthday was serious spring-cusping-time. no longer were winter coats or down vests necessary. the forsythia was blooming and the sweaters were out. i can still hear the birds in the woods behind our house.

i’ve been watching the weather, hoping for a nice day. it’s supposed to be cloudy with a high of 54. surprisingly, though there is a definite absence of forsythia, it will be warmer today than in my old hometown. we will likely go for a hike somewhere – one of our familiar – but loved – trails. because it’s a thursday we’ll have dinner with 20 and we will probably play rummikub together.

and sometime during the day i will sit and ponder turning 66. I’m not sure what 66 is supposed to look like – physically, emotionally, spiritually, economically. i know that many people around me have had different journeys to 66, some of which are much more predictably stable than my own.

nevertheless, i plan on being in wonder. i’ll put lack of perfection aside, next to disappointments and failures. instead, i will look at abundance and think about what would be blue-notebook entries – the mica moments that glitter, the blooms that are ready to blossom, the things that can’t be contrived or spun – all those shiny times and matte times that just simply happen so that we might notice, pay attention and embrace them for all the rest of time.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY

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build the cairns. [kerri’s blog on flawed wednesday]

and 66 years ago today my sweet momma anxiously awaited her very next day – the day she would have surgery and i would be born. i’m grateful for her courage to have another child – even after almost a decade had gone by. i’m grateful for her bravery knowing there would be a caesarean section and recuperation, discomfort. i’m grateful for her fortitude to have me, even though she was older than most other moms having babies. and so, on that next day, i found my way home – into the air and the sun, a place of dandelions and daffodils.

home is sometimes elusive. we watch many people chase it on house hunters, seeking big and new and granite-y and double-sinked and updated and maintenance-free. we look around us – in our living room under a furry throw – at our old plaster walls, wood floors and the et al of a 1928 house – and we express gratitude. we are not chasing home. we are there. we have found each other and that – that very thing – has brought us home.

it is rare that we must follow cairns while hiking, as we are not in the backcountry as much as we wish to be. but if it is that one day we thru-hike long trails, then we will follow stacks of rocks to help us find our way. we will count on them as guideposts.

during this time of utter chaos in our country, we are not recognizing things and people around us – near and far – as the home we have understood. we are astounded by the fast changes and the cheering squad supporting the overturning of goodness. the guideposts of normal have disappeared, the landmarks are skewed. wise cairns have been demolished. we are disoriented.

we took a walk along the lakefront in our ‘hood. right over by the beach house where we had the food truck, daisy cupcakes and bonfire of our wedding, there was a path down to the beach. we took it.

oftentimes, there are cairns on this sand – beautiful towers of lakefront rocks – standing tall off the edge of the surf. but there were no cairns.

so we built one.

a pilgrimage point. a token reminder – we are here. we have found our way.

we are home. and we will find our way through the rest. together.

****

read DAVID’s thoughts this FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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riding wild horses. [kerri’s blog on two artists tuesday]

david, mark and i stood by the dyed harbor in the wind. mark commented that he did not have a painting of st patrick’s day green, rusty brown, cement beige. we told him that he did now. because we had made it so – as we stood there – “totally looks like a mark rothko,” we opined as we viewed the photograph i had just taken. mark laughed – in that other-dimension way we imagined. i reminded him of green and maroon – and my dedication to this painting at the milwaukee art museum. he was amused and agreed that emerald, rust and cement was – maybe – a worthy addition.

david just finished a piece he painted for me. it is stunning, both visually and emotionally. a really large canvas, it will find a home in my studio, where i can be reminded of the freedom – of space, of life, of voice, of love – it represents.

i have always wanted a horse and so he gave me one. this painting. and you can see – by the repose of my face – how undeniably happy it makes me, the peace it bestows, breathing the very air of all the universe.

it is said that mark rothko sought to make paintings that would bring people to tears. “i’m interested only in expressing basic human emotions – tragedy, ecstasy, doom and so on.” as an artist, i cannot imagine any other reason to create other than to tap in, to elicit, evoke, to acknowledge human emotions.

when i stepped onto the floor of the basement – off the last wooden step – i stared at the painting in progress. it was potent for me. it was a painting of an arrival, of sorts. though David’s title is in dreams she rides wild horses, the reality for me is the wild horse of voice. it is the gallop of speech, the beginning of the release of silence, the horse i never yet had. i wept as i told him.

mark appeared suddenly, standing on the basement floor with me. he stepped under one of the studio spotlights and called over to d, “good work, robinson. way to make her cry.”

d looked surprised and glanced at me calling back, “thanks, rothko!” before i wrapped my grateful arms around him, “yeah, good work, robinson.”

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this TWO ARTISTS TUESDAY

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an urgency. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

“the ordinary days have a way of lulling us into believing there isn’t any urgency to them…” (john pavlovitz)

we chose to binge-watch a favorite show’s entire season, under the quilt with snacks by our side and dogga at our feet. because there is this – living. and so we chose to stay still together, our socked feet nuzzled. we chose to go nowhere, to link arms sitting against the pillows in bed, to watch the afternoon sun wane through the window and turn to night. minutes and hours ticked by – an ordinary day embracing right now.

for there is – after all – an urgency.

an urgency of loving. to tell others around us they are loved. to unflinchingly gaze at each other – our partners – to speak the words every beloved wishes to hear, to catch your breath, to quietly hold hands.

an urgency of standing in the fire with each other. in the middle of any storm, any wound, any challenge, any anything – and to not close off, to not be aloof, to not ignore the pain, to hold healing together.

an urgency to do. to speak, to stand up, to fight back, to forgive, to create, to tear down. there is an urgency to recognize the driving force, to gather the tools, to seek the empty spaces, the vessels, the air, the canvasses to fill, to touch the imperative.

an urgency to breathe it all in. to go, to see, to voice, to hear, to taste, to touch – every microscopic bit of it. to immerse, to be one in it all, to be inert to the point of boredom, to move frenetically.

it is today. it is right now. we are only assured of this very moment, this very place. in feeling it – really feeling it – i hope that – for this moment – every other place disappears.

for there is an urgency in limited limitless. and so, in each and every heartbeat.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this MERELY-A-THOUGHT MONDAY

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