so, we were trying to have a nice backyard. the pond, the deck, the grasses, the hosta, the barnwood planting stand, the old piano….we were headed in the right direction. but then there’s dogdog. he has this THING. every time we let him out and michele and john’s dogs are out, he races around in a circle, digging into the grass that was there, creating a velodrome (kenosha is known for its velodrome, only not this one.) we tried various ways to address this, to try and dissuade him from running around in the circle, from ruining the grass that we had painstakingly planted.
finally, we decided it would be far less painful for us to just embrace it. i went online and ordered an actual highway sign (the european roundabout sign, because he runs clockwise every time and the roundabouts in our country are counter to that.) we planted a few grasses, put up temporary rope to help the grasses have a chance, pounded in our new sign and sat back to watch.
i mean, EVERYbody has their thing. sometimes it’s just easier to not fight it. it’s easier to just, well, laugh.
summer is teasing us….right around the corner, it is gesturing to us and making us yearn for the time in the sun, the time to relax in the hammock, the time to take longer walks, to go on vacation, to maybe do a long-put-off-project. maybe it is the time to learn something brand new. in that case, i have to remind myself it’s the time to put aside the insecurity of not-knowing-how and just jump in with both feet. you just never know what might come of that not-knowing. consider it might even be fun! (watch out d, cause i really want a donkey!)
my big brother had a guitar in the olden days that i still pine for. it was just a folk guitar, but he had painted it and applied stickers and graffiti’ed all over it. one of my favorite sayings on this old guitar was “you are what you eat.” considering that was the 60s and 70s, and rice-a-roni and kraft macaroni and cheese and other fabulous packaged pre-prepared foods were a way-of-life, he was way before his time. now is a whole ‘nother story.
first following the whole30 precisely for the prescribed 30 days, we are over a year later still on a modified whole30 diet….not diet necessarily for weight (although middle age has changed the mighty metabolism) but diet for how we feel. one of the joys of our weeks is to go to jen and brad’s and have “potluck dinner” together. for two sets of people on distinct food diets, the fun of this is to bring all the leftovers you have and then just eat together. we drink wine and tell stories of the week. it’s total bliss! we have talked much about the way we are now eating…we are infinitely more aware of what we buy and how we prepare it.
but there are those moments….and thank goodness for google…when we look up images or tell stories of twinkies and hostess cupcakes and reggie bars and m&m peanut candies and good ‘n plenty and buddig meats and wonder bread chip sandwiches…and relive the good old days.
becky loves boards. snowboards, surfboards, skateboards. she is one of those people who can easily stand up and grab a wave or dominate a mountainside and make it all look easy. david’s drawing of a surfer makes me think of her.
but in more than one way. she and The Girl, just like us, really, are living a lifestyle that is uncertain. snowboard/ski/surf coaches and instructors, like artists, choose a life that doesn’t have guarantees…there are few financial aspects you can depend on with these callings and yet…the mountains call, the break of the wave calls, the canvas calls, the piano calls…and you know that, despite the risk and the worry and yes, the uncertainty, you are doing what you are supposed to be doing…people need what you are doing…you are THAT spoke on the wheel…and all will be well.
there are days i know my poppo is in the wind. i can feel him there. somehow he lets me know. it was six years ago today that he left this earth and, before he said goodbye, i made him promise to hang around. i told him i had no idea how i was going to adjust the timing on the ’71 bug without him, i wouldn’t be able to call him on the phone to ask him how to rube-goldberg a fix on something, i would be missing his “hi brat!”
with him in the wind and my sweet momma and my big brother and all the others who i miss, i have help from guardians. with everyone who is by my side on this beautiful planet, close or far away, i have help from champions. we each do.
we face into the wind, challenged by change and our ever-fluid lives. we put on our invisible capes, take a deep breath, hold onto each other. together we are superheroes.
there are those moments. the overwhelmed ones. when you feel like all is not going your way. those are the moments that this piece of music is about. as much as i’d like to think i always remember to 1. stop 2. take stock and 3. give thanks, i need a reminder from time to time. TAKING STOCK (listen below) from the album RIGHT NOW is all about remembering to have gratitude, for where i am, any second of any hour of any day of any year of any time….
the moment i saw this trailmarker it made me laugh. i was feeling exactlyyy this way, so this lightened my mood. (yes, yes, i understand that the marker made sense, but if you flatten it out (as opposed to three-dimensional) it is admittedly funny and a little confusing.)
middle age (ohmygosh, yes, middle age) seems like a time of arrows every which way. where we’ve been, where we are, where we are going…these questions are all different now…different from the striding times even a decade ago. time is starting to mean something else; i recognize the scarcity of time-limitlessness.
i lost one of my very best friends from elementary school, junior high and high school last week. kenny was brilliant and funny and courageous and a really good person. together with his twin richard and i, we were often thought of as “triplets” in school, mostly because we were all platinum blond kids growing up. i haven’t seen kenny for many years. the last time i can remember was having coffee with him at the atlanta airport; he was an airline captain and based there so we met when i flew through with a tad bit of a layover. he was thrilled to catch me up about his beautiful wife and son and he joked about how long it took him to find her. even though i saw him rarely, there was something about knowing he was in the world that was comforting…a piece of my long-ago-past that i could still talk to or text with, maybe see from time to time, who knew me when i was little, when i was a preteen, when i was a teenager, when i loved calculus. i tried to explain this to d…when certain people who connect me way back to my roots are no longer present on this earth, it is as if i can feel the earth tilt on its axis; it wobbles. and nothing will ever be the same. i can’t get to ken’s service, but i hope to carry with me – always – a piece of kenny and our growing-up history. i hope to honor him somehow.
and the next time i wonder “which way” in angst, i hope to stand still, right where i am. time is not unlimited. i don’t want to waste it.
dogdog doesn’t like the rain much. he pretty much avoids the puddles in the backyard…that is, until one neighbor or the other lets their dogs out. then? then he doesn’t care; all inhibitions are off and he runs like a maniac, his long aussie hair first flying, then clumping and muddy, joy joy joy on his face.
that’s probably a good lesson for all of us…inhibitions off and joy joy joy. despite the messy puddles and the bad hair day. my sweet momma used to sign off her letters with “enjoy, enjoy!” yes. enjoy, enjoy.
mama dear (my grandmother) used to sew with her lips pursed, straight pins held between them for quick access. as a little kid, i thought that you had to spit on pins in order to sew; as i grew up i realized that this was a falsehood (i’m sure you are thinking, “wow. what an enlightenment!”)
mama dear was the person who taught me how to sew. with an old-fashioned singer, a red pincushion, a blue sewing box and good sewing scissors, she set me on a course of many projects through my life…outfits in the 70s, curtains and shutter screens for the nursery, jumpers that matched The Girl’s when she was little in the 90s, pillows and stuffed animals, mending jobs, craft projects. my sewing machine is set up again, adjacent to d’s studio where he says he likes to hear me talk to myself or hum as i sew, and i love spending time at my machine, dreaming up things to make.
one thing i am proud of these days – that hanging around me (sewing or doing whatever i am doing) david has picked up some of the vernacular that comes out of my mouth….like “oopsies!!!”
today is The Girl’s birthday. kirsten turns 28 today and i can hardly believe it. where does the time go? i am wishing i could spend time with her today (well, like every day)… make her dinner or a decadent gluten-free cake, have a glass of wine with her. what i would really love to do is take a walk with her. in her world. like most moms, sharing space and time with my children is precious; taking a walk outside, breathing in air and talking together is something yearn-worthy.
the best part about visiting The Girl and The Boy is that then – and really only then – i can picture their lives…the place they live, their home, where they buy their groceries, the roads they travel, what they see when they look out their windows, the way the air feels, the angle of the sun, their favorite places to hang out or places that have been in stories they have told me or pictures they have sent. it’s all vital for me.
The Girl lives in stunning surroundings. her mountains are massive and grand and the terrain is white with snow or green green with leaves of aspens and needles of pines. she walks in beauty. she sees it. she recognizes it.
today my wish for her is to find that every day of her life. no matter where she is or what her surroundings. she doesn’t just walk in beauty. she is beauty.
reverse threading 