reverse threading

the path back is the path forward


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in an insane world. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

in an insane world, barney is sane.

barney has been stalwart, steadfast, unwaveringly standing in the garden through every infamous weather challenge – the rain, the sleet, the snow, the ice and the wind, the extreme heat, the drought.

it is one of the most gorgeous things in our backyard. we have watched it age, its wrinkles, its furrows, its jowls. we have watched it struggle to stay young, fresh, shellacked. we have watched it give in – to time and the elements. and, in that giving-in-ness, we have watched grace in real life.

in this insane world, i have thanked our old house and its painted-wood countertops, its old floors, its cracked plaster, its doorknob-less six panel doors. i have admired the tile floor in the bathroom and the way light streams in through the double-hungs. i have relished the paintings on our walls and the fabulous chunks of concrete that serve our living room. i have whispered to our house and i have thanked its familiarity and its comfort. i have taken refuge in its security. i have reveled in our comforter, our dogga at our feet, coffee by our side, happy lights. i have simplified need and put want to the side.

in this insane world, i have patted littlebabyscion as i get in and out, stroked big red as i have walked past it in the driveway. i have noted with great appreciation the wild geranium and the day lilies pushing up through cold dirt, the buds on breck. i have sat on adirondack chairs on the deck – still a bit bundled up – watching birds and squirrels, sipping wine and eating maybe too many chips. i have been grateful.

and i have gazed at barney-the-piano, over there, in the garden. i have felt it steadying me.

in this insane world, i have thanked barney.

“pardon my sanity in a world insane.” (emily dickinson – and barney)

*****

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not normal. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

if you don’t feel overwhelmed right now – and you are in the united states – than you are – clearly – an anomaly.

we pulled up behind this car at a stoplight. the “#notnormal” bumpersticker got my attention.

nothing seems normal. nothing IS normal.

we – in this country – are facing down the collapse of everything we have known, understood, loved.

it is utter madness. crazy-deranged. grotesquely-mean. sociopathic.

i am resisting. i am trying to resist. and i am failing.

i am resisting fear. i am resisting depression. i am resisting confusion. i am resisting horror. i am resisting rage. i am resisting the madness.

i am trying to resist fear. i am trying to resist depression. i am trying to resist confusion. i am trying to resist horror. i am trying to resist rage. i am trying to resist the madness.

i am failing at resisting fear. i am failing to resist depression. i am failing to resist confusion. i am failing to resist horror. i am failing to resist rage. i am failing to resist the madness.

all of it. a melting pot of fear, depression, confusion, horror, rage, madness and – yes – resistance.

because this is all so exponentially not normal.

we – all the rest of us mortals – are all trying to breathe one breath at a time. in and out. inhale. exhale.

and we – each in our own way – resist the madness.

because we have to.

*****

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these dang chips. [kerri’s blog on two artists tuesday]

we try to resist. these days it’s nearly impossible.

i mean, we don’t have a whole heckofalotta vices but these dang chips – well – we have succumbed.

we do try to avoid them by keeping them out of the house. if you don’t go to costco you can’t buy them. if you go to costco (a store we adore for their staunch support of diversity, equity and inclusion) but don’t costco-mosey and don’t go to the wall-o-chips, you can’t buy them. if you go to costco and actually buy them but don’t open the bag and leave it on the top shelf of the left side of the pantry in the kitchen, you can’t eat them.

yet, even with all these avoidance techniques, we have failed – numerous times – miserably. and then we think – eh – so what – it’s just a bag of chips! it’s not like a crime against humanity – which we can identify because we are seeing plenty of those these days.

so we eat chips.

my name is kerri and his name is david and we eat chips.

but only sometimes.

not all the time.

*****

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shiny and matte. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

each morning now, as dogga awakens us or we just mosey out of sleep unprompted by a cold nose snuffling us, i can hear the birds. in the middle of every everything, it is the birdsong that gives me joy as i wake.

when i was growing up on long island, my birthday was serious spring-cusping-time. no longer were winter coats or down vests necessary. the forsythia was blooming and the sweaters were out. i can still hear the birds in the woods behind our house.

i’ve been watching the weather, hoping for a nice day. it’s supposed to be cloudy with a high of 54. surprisingly, though there is a definite absence of forsythia, it will be warmer today than in my old hometown. we will likely go for a hike somewhere – one of our familiar – but loved – trails. because it’s a thursday we’ll have dinner with 20 and we will probably play rummikub together.

and sometime during the day i will sit and ponder turning 66. I’m not sure what 66 is supposed to look like – physically, emotionally, spiritually, economically. i know that many people around me have had different journeys to 66, some of which are much more predictably stable than my own.

nevertheless, i plan on being in wonder. i’ll put lack of perfection aside, next to disappointments and failures. instead, i will look at abundance and think about what would be blue-notebook entries – the mica moments that glitter, the blooms that are ready to blossom, the things that can’t be contrived or spun – all those shiny times and matte times that just simply happen so that we might notice, pay attention and embrace them for all the rest of time.

*****

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an urgency. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

the ordinary days have a way of lulling us into believing there isn’t any urgency to them…” (john pavlovitz)

we chose to binge-watch a favorite show’s entire season, under the quilt with snacks by our side and dogga at our feet. because there is this – living. and so we chose to stay still together, our socked feet nuzzled. we chose to go nowhere, to link arms sitting against the pillows in bed, to watch the afternoon sun wane through the window and turn to night. minutes and hours ticked by – an ordinary day embracing right now.

for there is – after all – an urgency.

an urgency of loving. to tell others around us they are loved. to unflinchingly gaze at each other – our partners – to speak the words every beloved wishes to hear, to catch your breath, to quietly hold hands.

an urgency of standing in the fire with each other. in the middle of any storm, any wound, any challenge, any anything – and to not close off, to not be aloof, to not ignore the pain, to hold healing together.

an urgency to do. to speak, to stand up, to fight back, to forgive, to create, to tear down. there is an urgency to recognize the driving force, to gather the tools, to seek the empty spaces, the vessels, the air, the canvasses to fill, to touch the imperative.

an urgency to breathe it all in. to go, to see, to voice, to hear, to taste, to touch – every microscopic bit of it. to immerse, to be one in it all, to be inert to the point of boredom, to move frenetically.

it is today. it is right now. we are only assured of this very moment, this very place. in feeling it – really feeling it – i hope that – for this moment – every other place disappears.

for there is an urgency in limited limitless. and so, in each and every heartbeat.

*****

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the tommys. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

there is a point that dumbing-it-down is to the point of ridiculous.

this sign – “this is a healing environment. aggressive behavior has no place here.” – was in a hospital elevator.

has humankind reached the outer-limit of insanity?

it made me feel physically ill to see this sign posted at the hospital. and yet, i’m guessing some people actually need the reminder. for aggression seems to be totally acceptable these days – even revered.

the second part of the sign spelled out what aggressive behavior is. as if those tending toward violence need a checklist of those things they should think twice about.

when tommy repeatedly twisted my wrist in elementary school – on the playground in third or fourth grade – i knew it was violent. though they tried to convince me that it was a form of affection – just teasing – i (and my reddened, sore wrist) knew better. i’ve actually seen him on social media in days of late – he is way down the rabbit hole, passing on vapid misinformation, his language usage aggressive, his bully tone the same as it was on the playground when he refused to stop twisting my wrist, when he refused to apologize. tommy has not changed.

apparently we do need to gear down – to spell out what violence is, what violence does, how violence destroys. and yet…though we are seeing – firsthand – the fallout of this administration’s brutal slashing of our democracy, the people who voted for this – and also being harmed by the vicious slash-and-burn – are still supporting this aggression.

for that is what it is. aggression.

and again, i am astonished by the level of bamboozle in which they have gleefully participated. i am astonished by the level of worship they have bestowed upon bullying leaders who could care less about them. i am way beyond disappointed to watch the same people i have known – or loved – for decades actively take part in disenfranchising others, in shredding the rights of so many living in this democracy, in violent rhetoric and action.

these last years – particularly since 2016 – have shown that so many of this country’s people have fallen prey, drowning in ignorance. they have given up any iota of critical thinking skills, have turned over their sanity to live inside the sicknesses of these destructive leaders. they have screamed and insurrected and forwarded lies and they have blasphemed – in word and deed – all that we believed them to have been, all that they pretended to be. they – apparently – need the sign in the hospital elevator in order to know how to behave, to be decent human beings.

it is all around us, this full-out aggression. in every arena. so much so that a place of healing has to put up signs.

it’s pathetic.

the tommys are winning.

*****

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the imperative of peace. [kerri’s blog on k.s. friday]

dreamy.

many other adjectives came to mind to eloquently describe lake tahoe, but dreamy seems to fit the best right now.

in the way that sometimes happens with monumental beauty, i instantly felt a sense of peace descend over me…exactly what i needed.

for this has been a time. and i – like you – am filled to the brim, yearning for something different, something that builds up and does not tear down, something that is positive, filled with grace and not negative and filled with hatred. already, this is all exhausting. already, i am exhausted. we – all of us – have lost so much. and, though hopefully this will change – something will stop this destruction of our sea to shining sea – things will never be the same. betrayal has left its mark on us.

and so, the sight of this lake in the distance, as we approached, up close and personal, was balm for my spirit and i felt it wash over me.

some places are like that. you instantly feel a kinship with the vista, grounded by its simple, natural beauty. after all, this is merely mountains, forest and lake. nothing manufactured, nothing contrived, quietude with the potential for a tranquility that is so very powerful.

we do not live near this stunning landscape, but we do live in a landscape of our own. and i know that we must look to it for salve, for soothing us, for a balance of goodness against all the evil being perpetrated upon our country. clearly, we need to deal with the reality of what is happening here. clearly, we need to rejuvenate from the reality of what is happening here.

i think we need do that any which way we can.

there is a lot ahead of us. everything we have known is grotesquely distorted and people we have known have actively participated in that. it is the stuff of bad dreams. and we each are waking up to the horror of it all. as we brush the real-life nightmare from our eyes and wake to another day of fighting to keep our democracy, it is incumbent upon us to bring strength and resolve and a bit of peace from which we might draw these.

we will be looking everywhere we can for that peace, to join with it. it is an imperative.

now he walks in quiet solitude the forests and the streams / seeking grace in every step he takes / his sight has turned inside himself to try and understand / the serenity of a clear blue mountain lake…” (john denver – rocky mountain high)

*****

PEACE © 2004 kerri sherwood

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it should be banned. [kerri’s blog on two artists tuesday]

i hadn’t ever before cooked with bok choy.

but the miso potsticker soup called for it, so game on. we purchased baby bok choy and set about making a big stock pot.

it is a beautiful leafy vegetable, photogenic. and much simpler to use in a recipe than i thought. the new recipe opened up ideas – as we cooked together – for other ingredients we might add, to other recipes we might try. that is the beauty of trying new things. new begets new.

the fewest short months ago, we co-opted the phrase “we’re not going back” made popular by kamala and tim. we both felt passionately about not going back, but instead moving forward, our land and its people becoming a more perfect union, learning more, experiencing more. we were excited about the possibilities that lay in front of us – all of us – excited to think about the potential of a country that had so much potential. like our bok choy joy, we were eager to try new things.

instead, the pall that is settling over this country is everything BUT that. suddenly, we are being thrust backwards, hurled around into the ugliest times that are arriving with each sign of the sharpie. it is beyond incomprehensible to grok why anyone would want this.

as we trimmed the bok choy stem and divided the bundle i thought about all the canned vegetables i had eaten back-in-the-day before frozen vegetables in the days before buying fresh. i don’t think i had ever had fresh asparagus before the early eighties. i had no idea what i had been missing, no idea whatsoever.

cooking with canned asparagus – as I would expect it would be with canned bok choy – is narrow and colorless and bleak. quoting from reddit – “asparagus from a can should be banned as a crime against humanity.” (bellasantiago1975)

co-opting THAT expression now, i’d adapt it to a far greater-reaching, far more ominously perilous outcome than we might imagine: “going back should be banned as a crime against humanity.”

because it IS a crime against humanity.

*****

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roll tide. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

when you write a blog every-day-every-day you are opening your stream of consciousness up to anyone who cares to read it. we have no preconceived notions of our blogs – they are simply a practice of artistry – of writing – one medium through which we might express ourselves.

i would suppose – as i scroll back through blogtime – that these might appear somewhat – well – scattered. because we haven’t opted for a blog that is entirely about one thing – unless you count that they are about living life – we traverse all over the place.

sometimes, they are about creating – through music or paint – and sometimes they are about the tiniest of moments lived. sometimes they are absolute rants about inequalities or the disenfranchising of people or those in high positions pushing other people under the proverbial bus. they are not the entirety of life but they are schnibbles of our lives, our experiences, our thoughts, our worries, our successes or deep disappointments. sometimes one of us – in our individual blog – is off the rails and sometimes it’s the other. sometimes we write and erase the whole thing. sometimes it is all just too much to share. facing vulnerability is alive and well in this sort of thing.

so as you ride the coaster with us – if you are choosing to ride it – know that we are not lingering in one place or the other. like you, we are surfing the full spectrum – end point to end point. we are sorting and wondering and asking questions and trying to do the best we can at getting through while being sure to relish every good thing we see or feel or experience.

we’d love to be all rainbows and bubbles and sunrises – as i was accused of by my dear friend marc all through high school – but living isn’t just all that. and sometimes, people need to hear that they are not alone in what they feel or in how they are struggling. i know we do.

and so, our blogs ride the tide – a virtual tidal wave – of emotion that is life these days. we’d love to know that we have made you smile. we’d also love to know we somehow made you weep.

when my cds were being sold on the television shopping network qvc, i received a note from a stranger. she told me that her dad had passed and that when she went to his home in texas to sit and write his memorial service, she wandered about, looking for clues about his last days so that she might include them in the service. she found three cds in his CD player – all three of them mine. she played them for his service and told me that i was on the journey of his last days on earth. it was humbling and gratifying to read her words and to know that the ripples – those incessant concentric circles of all manners – i sent out in my recordings had wrapped around someone and, perhaps, comforted them.

even in the worst of moments, in the worst of writing, in the darkest of blogs, i wonder if someone out there is nodding their head, glad to know they aren’t the only one feeling what they feel. i also wonder if someone is out there growling. both.

a long time ago i was told that as an artist it’s not my job to determine what happens in the out there – it’s just my job to put it out there.

in this new year – a tidal roller coaster promising to be of giant proportion – let’s hold hands and know we aren’t alone in the roll.

isn’t that the point anyway?

*****

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even if, enough. [kerri’s blog on not-so-flawed wednesday]

it snowed last night. there is a dusting on the deck and on the roofline that i can see out the window right now. even a dusting is magical. even a dusting is snow. even, if it were only a dusting, only this, it would be enough.

the snow earlier – in november – didn’t last long but – while it clung to the adirondack chairs – i went out, crunching through it, to take a photograph, to remember it. it was the kind that snowmen are made of. and, even if that were the only snow, only that, it would have been enough.

i am trying to learn the art of even if, enough. for right now. for this moment. for standing in this space, spinning on this earth in this solar system in this galaxy. the next moment is a mystery – on repeat – a measure of blank space, again and again.

you don’t just arrive there, we are not simply maestros of this art. it is – what i am seeing – a process like the tides. a little wave in, a little wave out. a grain of sand in, a grain of sand out. it is not simple but it is…actually.

it is the recognition – when you are feeling in right mind, when you are feeling more balanced, when you are not hijacked by outside influences – of the right now and a nod that even if….it is enough.

in this time, these times, our yearnings are real. and – as our world turns and we approach a time of far greater chaos than we have likely ever known in most of our lives – we can see that the even if, enoughs are going to play a big role in staying grounded.

it is a work in progress, i suppose, for each of us. we – mostly – live in societies where more is more and less is, most definitely, less. we are not typically validated in our less. we are not typically commended for finding value in less.

but it is the gift of the tide and time. you begin to realize that the tiniest pebbles that drop in on our personal shoreline are often the mica of life. you begin to realize that they balance out the grains of sand that are pulled out each time and tide.

and so i, maybe like you – am trying to be satisfied with – at peace with – the even if, enoughs.

even if we don’t have enough time with someone – but we have a tiny bit – it is enough. even if we don’t have enough stuff, newest stuff, trendy stuff – but we have a tiny bit – it is enough. even if we don’t have enough time – but we have a tiny bit – it is enough. even if we don’t have enough snow – but we have a tiny bit – it is enough.

though the even ifs make us – make it all – feel somewhat fragile, the enoughs are a good place to seek, a good place to live.

this dusting. wondrous.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this NOT-SO-FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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