reverse threading

the path back is the path forward

Tag Archives: we love our dogga


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in the fog with dogga. [kerri’s blog on k.s. friday]

when the fog lifts, we are hoping that our beloved dogga will be more himself.

it happened the beginning of this week. suddenly, for no apparent reason whatsoever, dogga collapsed. he was unable to stand, to walk, his eyes were jerking back and forth (nygastum) and he was dizzy and, clearly, terribly nauseous. it was pretty terrifying to witness this strong, vibrant dog suddenly incapable of movement, confused and scared.

vestibular disease (IVD) affects the balance system and comes on without warning. with symptoms that look horribly like a stroke, between reading dogcare sites, joining an online group and calls to veterinarians, we became aware of this syndrome (actually, a group of symptoms) we had never heard of before.

our world reduced to the sunroom.

we padded the floor with more non-skid rugs and cleared the room of extraneous stuff.

then we sat on the floor with our dogga and gently petted him, trying to ground him and keep him reassured.

we sat. and we sat. and we still sit…on the floor with him.

we moved an air mattress into the dining room (right next to the sunroom) and slept right next to him, waking multiple times during the night to help him move or to clean up from his extreme nausea.

for days now, we have not ventured further than the sunroom, though david carries dogga outside while i bring the big beach towel that serves as a sling to help hold him up.

we are learning presence and patience. we are leaning into hope.

when the fog lifts – and they say that sometime after 72 hours things should improve – we hope that he is able to be the dogga he knows he is, for we can see in his eyes he has no idea what has happened.

he’s been drinking water on and off when we hold it directly under him and on wednesday he ate the tiniest bit when i hand-fed him some chicken and rice. it is a very slow process and everything seems to be in slow motion here.

in a time when people are so divisive and angry and mean-spirited, i have found that there is a community of generous people whose dogs have experienced this who are out there, ready to help with reassurance and wisdom that comes from being through it. politics do not enter into the equation, not one little bit. instead, the opposite – compassion.

as i write this (on thursday) i remember late last night – also sitting at our little bistro table in the sunroom with dogga resting. last night we watched the milwaukee brewers win the world series and the fireworks went off in our neighborhood all around us. probably one of the worst days for dogga to hear fireworks, we both jumped back down to the floor to help shield him from the noise that frightens him. we tried to explain to him why people were so excited that they were shooting off fireworks. i could see what looked like a literal fancy firework display coming from just around the corner. it was an exciting night for milwaukee and wisconsin and it just took a few minutes to calm dogga back down while the fireworks eased up.

when the fog lifts – and dogga is past these crucial hours of this disease – we hope he returns to us as the dogga who jumps on the bed with his candy cane, who races in circles around the yard when the dachshunds are out next door, who noisily demands treats and happily follows us around the house. we hope the zillion words and expressions he knows are still present with him and that his confusion in the blurry world he is in right now begins to quickly wane. we hope that he feels better.

the thing we are sure of? when the fog lifts we will have spent every moment in the fog with him. and we wouldn’t have it any other way. we will walk with him out of the fog into whatever comes his way and will deal with it all one day at a time. dogga will still be dogga, regardless.

all things are possible – as long as he knows he is loved and we are right here with him.

and, geesh, isn’t that something we might all take into the rest of our lives?

*****

WHEN THE FOG LIFTS © 1997 kerri sherwood

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read DAVID’s thoughts this K.S. FRIDAY

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our lighthouse. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

it was nearly 8pm on july 30 when I photographed this sunset on the harbor channel.

we have noticed how dark it is at 8pm now. we have noticed how – in walks west on the channel – how much earlier the sun is setting, how much further to the south the sun rests.

time just marches on.

every friday we look at each other – in surprise – and say, “it’s friday again.” stunning how it all races by. all of it.

after our sweet dogga was seriously ill, we deep-dive researched and changed up his diet to bland homemade foods and monitored him closely. for eleven days he was better. he ate without getting sick, he began to run in the backyard, he looked at us with puppyface eyes. we were immensely grateful.

the day that he got sick – twelve days later – made us scared and destroyed any confidence we had in what had now become routine – making every meal and snicky-snack by hand – and watching to see how he handled it. he is our guiding light and we were taking our cues from him.

we still are. i am writing this post ahead – several days ahead, actually. so i am hoping that by the time it publishes, we are back in a steady zone, that our little lighthouse is guiding us and our care of him through these tougher senior-dog days.

i know that it is important to our dogga that we are centered in this time. i know that it is important to our dogga that we stay focused and balanced, that we don’t forget, that we don’t lose our footing – no matter what happens. i know that the gift of this aussie anam cara is the gift of a lighthouse for the entire time he has been with us, for the entire time he will – sometime – be with us from the plane of existence right next to this plane.

he is our soul dog.

time is speeding by in real life. but here – as we hold caregiving space for the australian shepherd who has taken care of us all these years – it is slower.

in slow motion, we bend to kiss the top of his head, ruffle those incredibly soft aussie ears, whisper how much he is loved.

and the sun rises and sets – and it’s all a mystery – for us and our lighthouse.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY

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everything. [kerri’s blog on not-so-flawed wednesday]

everything changed that day.

it was thirteen years ago today.

everything was already changing. we were on our way from seattle in a budget truck – david’s stuff loaded in the back – moving him to wisconsin. everything was in flux for both of us and we were riding on trusting the universe, a 20′ truck and love. it was no small deal.

as you have already read before, the sign “aussie pups” caught my attention and we turned around to drive up the hill at the farm. with only one puppy left – in sore need of adoption – we followed farmer don to see it.

d told me that australian shepherds are usually multicolored, merle, browns and whites and auburns with a bit of black, but never all black – which was good since we had decided that sooooomeday we would get a puppy – a black one so fur wouldn’t show up on our decidedly black wardrobe.

the only thing was – farmer don told us that the reason his only puppy was not being adopted was…wait for it…because he was all black.

cue life change.

we fell for his amber eyes the moment we saw him and he bounded over to us, curious about who he obviously knew was his new family.

even though we left a deposit and drove across the state, debating dog/no-dog/dog/no-dog for the next couple days, we figure dogga knew that whole time.

and then we drove back.

we picked him up. and our hearts and our family grew.

and now – as we watch him aging before our very eyes – as we pass through days when we are so, so worried about him – like this past weekend – we know our time is limited.

“this is nothing new,” you are thinking, “you’ve been writing about this.”

and yes…you are right…we have both been writing about this.

but today – today is that day – the day we met the aussie-angel who has walked with us. and that is a big deal.

he now has tiny grey hairs scattered across his face, not just around his muzzle. and every now and then he looks a little confused when he wakes up. there are other issues and concerns and we deal with each and have many workarounds. we stay home or close to home. there is nothing we can do to change it. we are in this with him just like he has been in life with us, through it all.

as 20 wrote the other day, “no matter how much love and sacrifice we give, we just can’t change the outcome.”

exactly.

what we can do is celebrate the moment that all that black fur came bounding at us – a full-throttled expression of exuberance, a full-throttled expression of i-am-who-you-need, a full-throttled expression of love that has carried us for thirteen glorious years of time spent together.

there are many things we are not doing these days, simply so that we are here for dogga. no matter.

we can hardly remember the before. we cannot think about the after. these days are the important ones.

in every way we are grateful that thirteen years ago our dogga – tripper – chose us and the universe gave us the wisdom to drive back.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this NOT-SO-FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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notice-wonder-mode. [kerri’s blog on k.s. friday]

sometime in the two-thousand-aughts my girl and my boy gifted me with a tall bamboo vessel filled with feathery ochre and barn red reeds. it immediately found its way into a special spot – any gifts they give me are so very cherished – and it has moved around from time to time.

its last long-term place of residence was in our sitting room, but we did some rearranging a couple years back and it found its way into our bedroom, right between the gingham wingback recliner and the windows. the east windows. and there it has stayed – this place where it welcomes the sun each day and holds steady as light streams over it. from our perch on the pillows, it is a beautiful fluff of color and light and shadow. i can’t imagine it in a better place.

on a morning recently, the sun was coming up at just the right angle to tiger-ize these dried plumes. stunning. the things you notice when you are in notice-wonder-mode.

on a walk recently we talked about our life together. things are pretty simple these days – as we hold vigil for our dogga – not venturing out too far for too long. some days are better than others for him. some days he has puppy-face on and he is strong and vibrant and enthusiastic. some days he has old-man-face on and he is slow and tired and his stomach is upset and it is clear that he is uncomfortable. the difference in these days is striking and there is no way to predict which day it will be when the sun is rising.

dogga wakes us around 4:30. he is hungry from the overnight fast and so he recognizes that his sensitive belly needs breakfast. after he eats, we sleep for maybe another hour – maybe – but then he wakes us because, well, we think he wants us up, he wants our company, he wants to start what he knows is the morning ritual – “put the coffee on,” he urges.

like people with sensitive bellies or dietary concerns or various other health reasons, he eats little bits every few hours. it seems to really help him. we make special meals for him and try to read him best as we can.

we were invited to go away with friends recently. not only was the weather going to be perfect but we love our adventures with these friends and so getting away with them would have been perfect as well.

we struggled with leaving dogga.

and ultimately decided we couldn’t go.

we don’t know what will happen to our old dogga as these days go by. we know we are very lucky to still have him with us. no matter what, our commitment to him has to outweigh anything we are doing just for ourselves, outweigh any fomo, outweigh any uncertainty. this sweet aussie has given his whole life to us – he has ridden the roller coaster of the last thirteen plus years with us – he has been steadfast and sensitive and intuitive and our rock. we stand in all these moments now with him, without knowing the course that things will take.

and so, we will be in notice-wonder-mode. the moon rising over the lake, the last cherry tomatoes and a bit of remaining basil, the edges of the aspen leaves changing, an exchanged glance yoga-mat-to-yoga-mat as we exercise in the living room, the bazillion blooms on the black cherry mum, the taste of an oven-baked baked potato with just salt and pepper, the crunch of homemade salsa on a chip, first morning coffee, the coze of our new sweatshirts, dogga grinning at us during a belly-belly, an unsolicited text from the kids, the first jeans day of fall, and, yes, the golden light on the plumes by the window.

*****

as it is © 2004 kerri sherwood

read DAVID’s thoughts this K.S. FRIDAY

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the inherent heart. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

i was glad to see it wasn’t just a tiny puddle. the next time we passed the rocks along the shoreline i looked for the heart again. and there it was. sans rain. which means it is an inherent part of that boulder and that it will be there each and every time we pass by. there is something reassuring about that.

we are living very much in the middle of the decisions you make when you love something unconditionally and you are loved back unconditionally: our dogga.

in these days our everyday decisions are based upon his needs. we have found that dividing up his meals into small meals every few hours has aided his belly, has made him less apt to feel yucky. and so, every few hours we need be here in order to give him breakfast, lunch, dinner or one of the snicky-snacks in-between.

now, being at home at those times cuts down on our ability to come and go, but this is for a beloved dog who dedicated his whole life to us. it is not too much of a commitment to – best as we can – make sure he is feeling well in these later-aging days. and so, we stick around home.

our walks these days are not on our river trail or out in the woods or in the meadows and trails of the state or county parks, nor are they in distant mountains or canyonlands or forests. instead, we stay in the ‘hood and walk our own streets and the sidewalks along the lake and the harbor. our standard walk is 3.5 miles, but we often add to that, walking further. there is a lot to see and no end to the kind of mileage we can add to our exercise regimen, all nearby. driving a half hour each way – or more – adds more time to our time away from dogga, so we choose right local most of the time and are grateful we have such amazing views steps away from our house.

now, every time we pass the heart i will think about our very-conscious decision to stay close to home…close to tripper.

every time i pass the heart i will nod and know that we have chosen love – and time together – for our old dogga.

every time i pass the heart i will remember that dogga – who is soaking up all the belly-bellies he can get – is right there with us, appreciating our staying close – just as he has all these years.

every time i pass the heart now, i know that it will be there the next time too. constant. unassuming. unconditional. inherent.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this MERELY-A-THOUGHT MONDAY

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thinking about you. [kerri’s blog on not-so-flawed wednesday]

purple has been her favorite color for as long as i can remember. so every single time i come upon a purple flower i think of her. this time – this downy wood mint – was no different.

i don’t always send a picture or a message that says i’m thinking about you but maybe i should.

because in these days i’m realizing that people really need that. people really need to hear that you are thinking about them, sending them good wishes, holding them close at that moment. because these are not normal times.

we are sticking closer to home, closer to our dogga. we don’t want to miss any moments with him, don’t want to not be there if he needs us. it’s not too much to ask from a beautiful being who has loved us unconditionally from the first. and so we hang out at home, out on the deck, on the patio.

sometimes we go to the store to resupply and sometimes we go for a hike. we ask 20 for help when we have to be gone a little longer, to stop in and keep an eye on dogga.

we won’t be going on vacation – away – this summer. it’s just not the right time for that. our priority needs to be this amazing pooch who has stood by us in every moment.

and so we tend our little garden – herbs and vegetables and flowers. we make suntea on the deck and move our adirondack chairs from sun to shade and back again. we are grateful for the littlest things – the house sparrows taking dirtbaths in the holes our dogga digs. the squirrels scampering across the wire and down the spruce to get a sip of water at the birdbath. the intermittent hummingbirds at the feeder, the cardinals on barney munching on birdseed, the baby raccoon trilling from the maples behind us. nothing extraordinarily exciting, but it all feeds our souls on this daisy path.

and – as we chat – planning or reminiscing – we pick up our phones every now and then and let someone know we are thinking of them. at that very moment. knowing how good – how reassured – it makes US feel, we try to do the same.

because these are not normal times.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this NOT-SO-FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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the babycat chair. [kerri’s blog on not-so-flawed wednesday]

this is called ‘the babycat chair’. though many would have disposed of it years ago, we held onto it…homage to our babycat.

for some reason, he chose this chair – and really, no others – well, to be accurate, he did have a bit of a relationship with the red gingham wingchair recliner in our bedroom. this was his to do with as he pleased, i guess.

babycat would just arbitrarily start scratching the back of this wicker chair. maybe it was when i hadn’t recently cut his dagger-nails, counting as i clipped – 1, 2, 3… – each paw a new 5-count, with his patience on the edge and his teeth locked around my hand holding him. treacherous stuff, but i knew i was in no peril. (though, in retrospect, as i look at this chair-destruction, i can see he was pretty capable of much peril, after all.)

when he’d start clawing the back of this chair, dogga would become instantly nervous, knowing instinctively that b-cat was ‘gonna get in trouble’. dogga would run over and push b-cat aside or pull him by the neck away from the chair entirely. the first time we saw him pulling the cat around the wood floor by his neck, we were totally scared and stopped him. but babycat would go back for more and the dog-pulling-the-cat-around-by-his-neck game would go on and on – for years and years – these two best friends playing and teasing each other.

we put a throw blanket on the chair – and a few pillows – to try and hide the missing wicker, hoping no one would fall through entirely if they chose to sit in the chair. it was really the back of the chair that was the worst – well, and the one side – but babycat had not clawed through the bottom, so this guest-ending-up-on-the-floor thing wasn’t really a big worry.

babycat died unexpectedly in march 2021 and took parts of our hearts with him. he had been with me (and then us) for about twelve years and was a true saving grace for me in his years. i’m not sure how i would have survived many of those years without his lumbering, hulking tuxedo-cat self keeping close to me. we still miss him. both of us. and, for dogga, it’s exponential. babycat was his bestest friend.

in these days of cleaning out, we (or i) have to keep making decisions about things that have threadiness written all over them. this chair has been one of them. do we keep it or do we move on?

knowing that many people are capable of fixing things or repurposing things or utilizing the materials of things, we placed the chair – after i did a photo shoot of it – at the curb. it is never more than a couple hours before someone picks up the things at the curb.

but no one picked up the chair. we talked about breaking it down and placing it in the trash. for perhaps, there was nothing really reusable about it.

in the end, we brought it back up the driveway. it is now at the top of the driveway, adjacent to the garage and the fence, next to the birdfeeder. we haven’t really talked about what’s next for it. but as we pass by on the way from the back door to littlebabyscion or big red, it always makes me smile.

the babycat chair lives on.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this NOT-SO-FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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