reverse threading

the path back is the path forward


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mychart smorgasbord. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

it’s hard to contain the excitement of returning to a favorite haunt for dinner out. we rarely go out for dinner so any time we find ourselves being a littlebit indulgent it’s cause for celebration.

but – just as it isn’t smart to go to the grocery store hungry, it also isn’t smart to go out for dinner the day after your metabolic and lipid panel bloodwork results are posted on your mychart.

and so you read – wondering why anything marked “high” or “low” hasn’t made your solicitous physician call you at home, concern and suggestions – with an appropriate amount of reassurance – in her voice. but this is 2023 and there is no time for that and you need be happy enough with the office staff call. my recent physical with a brand new doctor-to-me – which took seven months from the time i called to book it – wasn’t even completed (thus i have to go back for the girly stuff) because i dared give a little context history and asked a few questions about things that were concerning me – and we ran out of my “allotted time”. she did inform me – on her way out the door while telling me to make a follow-up appointment to finish the (might i say – important?) girly stuff – that physicals are merely bloodwork and cancer screenings. they are not meant for body, mind and spirit check-ins to be sure you are – uhhh – “physically” ok. to say that i don’t understand would be an understatement. (let me just mention here that our healthcare totals in excess of $28,000 and that i haven’t once used it this year prior to this “physical” which makes me very fortunate – in addition to mathematically making this “physical” mighty expensive.)

but i digress.

so, on our own, we study the new results, compare them to former test results, look for trends, research what creatinine and various other tests really mean, note any “high” and “low” indicators, look up dietary choices to aid in lowering or raising these, discover (again) that proper hydration is of extreme import, seek answers to lower stress levels (which contribute to many of these results). we power through the mayo clinic, the cleveland clinic, the nih, webmd, medline, healthline, even wikipedia – trying to find information we can digest and the answers to what we can order off the menu.

today i read the doctor’s comments. with one exception – even though i had concerns with any red and green markings on my results – she wrote that it was all “wnl”. i looked that up. “within normal limits” in med-talk.

we are still going to make some changes. we want to do the best we can as we “gracefully” age – between diet and exercise and maintaining a zen-like existence. uh-huh. it’s always good to evaluate and re-evaluate our health choices.

but for now, i’m gonna skip the chia seeds this time.

*****

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life below zero. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

toooo hot. i am waaaay toooo hot waaaay toooo often. this peri/meno/post thing just goes on and on and on.

i have friends – they know who they are – who have had “i-think-i-had-a-hot-flash-once” experiences. how – exactly – is this equitable?? perhaps – in some involuntary way – i have taken on their burdensome backpack full of hotflashes…i have – involuntarily – embraced hotflashes for the whole gender. it would seem so. speaking of gender – what – exactlyyy – is the yang-for-men of this – our yin?

hot flashes are “damnedable” as my sweet momma would say – pretty much the harshest of her language save for a few choice times. they wreak havoc. they turn the best of intentions into sweaty messes. good grief. even writing that gives me a hot flash. let’s just say they are … not attractive.

regardless of my distaste for these hormonal ridiculousnesses, they often happen at night – in the middle of my insomnia or, if i’m particularly unlucky, in the middle of a snippet of sleep.

so i try to plan ahead.

i open the window next to my side of the bed. i figure if i can feel the breeze coming in, i will feel better – refreshed and relaxed, ready for sleepynightnight.

it doesn’t matter what the temperature is outside. it’s still … necessary.

d doesn’t always agree. there he is – all zen-like, snugged into the flannel sheets, under the comforter and the quilt, his 32 degrees long underwear at the ready. reticent.

i mean, he always relents. thank goodness!

but i guess he’s imagining he is out there with agnes and chip hailstone, ricko dewilde, andy and denise, jesse, sue aikens – living life below zero – in the overnight.

eh. he’ll be fine!

*****

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wax paper. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

i was the one. probably the one and only. the single person in the entire school who opened up my re-purposed hallmark card store bag to reveal a wax-paper-wrapped sandwich. now, if that isn’t bad enough, add to it the irreversible damage that this wrought: carrying a cucumber sandwich or liverwurst and mayo on smushy white bread wrapped in waxed paper. i mean, who eats this in elementary school or junior high or even high school??? it’s like that scene in my big fat greek wedding with the mean girls around toula portokalos taunting her lunch, “moose kaka???”. yes, irreversible damage.

and so, i have a thing about wax paper. this is probably not wax paper’s fault. it was innocently birthed in 1927 and has served the general public well. just not me in the school cafeteria.

while everyone else was flaunting their plastic sandwich bags – with their deli-ham-and-cheese sandwiches complete with prepackaged bags of chips and ho hos or twinkies – there i was – with my savory liverwurst on bread soggy with mayonnaise, an apple and, if i was really lucky, a prized yodel. there was no comparison. it was crushing.

so, the wax paper in the drawer in the kitchen comes with a little ptsd. it comes in handy, yes. but i’ll never ever wrap a sandwich with it. ever.

*****

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homemade chicken soup. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

ahhhhhh…..so many questions….so few answers….

though we take turns with the existential questions of life, he is the one who asks most of the ones – aloud – that are -sometimes annoyingly – foggy. the kinds of questions that require lengthy, long-winded, circular, pondering dissertations, steeped-in-wisdom-devoid-of-wisdom yada-yada, first-person-experience tales, prolonged dialogue, yin-yanging polar opinions, all the reddiwip of solid answers.

i find myself – in these moments – thinking of the practical, the reassuringly tactile, the basic. the homemade chicken soup.

*****

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when we dance. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

he invariably joins in. dogga cannot just watch us dance. he stands on his strong aussie legs and joins with us. it is utterly one of the sweetest things. he’s like that with hugs, too. he wants to be a part of it.

since we love to dance together – even a few steps here and there – he has plenty of opportunities to watch (and join). we dance in the front yard, on the back deck, in the living room, in the kitchen. there is nothing like a slow dance to (literally) slow you down, tune you inside, make you feel like everything-is-going-to-be-ok in the world. maybe that’s why we’ve always danced together – from the very beginning.

and to think that dogdog is right there, with us, makes me realize that – actually – he must love when we dance.

so do we.

*****

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lists. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

i am a list person. paper and pencils and pens. lists.

i love the crinkly sound paper makes when there’s a lot written on it and the texture of lined looseleaf scrawled with copious notes in fine point pen. tactile heaven. i’ve tried to keep my grocery list on the phone, but the phone and i struggle in the store together when the list tries disappearing as i delete items i purchase. paper never pushes back that way.

our lists-of-things-to-do ebbs and flows like the tide. eh. not really. it’s not quite that poetic. our lists-of-things-to-do generally flows – like the drains in basements after torrential rains without the benefit of a sump pump.

lists seem to propagate themselves, adding, adding, adding. perhaps this is so we always have a feeling of accomplishment and future goals set. yes, i’m sure that’s why.

my favorite thing to do – when it comes to lists – is cross things off. with an old spiral notebook from a stack of the girl’s and the boy’s elementary, junior high, high school leftovers, i keep track of the stuff-i/we-need-to-do. i am not hesitant in the least bit to add something we have done that is not on the list simply to be able to cross it off. it’s a visceral reward. everyone gets credit for everything. even the tiniest of chores.

in the meanwhile, after any week that you could call a helluva week, it would seem prudent to add “nap” to the list. surely, one would have no problem crossing that off.

*****

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a little somethin’ sweet. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

about dessert, my sweet momma always said, “it’ll slide down and fill in the crevices!!!” yes, yes, the perfect way to feel fulfilled for a momma who had feeding-people as one of her love languages.

we try not to overeat. we try to make healthy choices. we try to maintain a good dietary balance of fruits and vegetables, lean meats, grains, nuts, blahblahblah. but, sometimes, we have had just a littletoomuch cheese and crackers for snacktime, a littletoomuch wine at happy hour, a littletoomuch chicken soup at dinner and we are inordinately – like thanksgiving’s troubled tale – stuffed.

we try to take a walk in these moments. try to work off the excess. try to believe we will make better decisions next time. yadayadayada.

and then, one of us remembers.

that in recent weeks – we succumbed to the talenti frozen nondairy sorbetto – and that it is sitting patiently awaiting us in our freezer – the one that occasionally forgets it’s a freezer and leaks water onto the floor. a little somethin’ sweet.

the food-guilt is not as powerful as the sorbetto-yearning here, i guess, so we succumb.

because a little coffee sorbetto will merely slide down and fill in the crevices.

you were right, my sweet momma. as usual.

*****

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looongdistance. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

sometimes we get carried away. we think we are still – say – in our thirties – or maybe forties – eh, even our fifties – and we get in littlebabyscion and just driiiiive. without stopping. we love a good roadtrip!

this is no longer what it used to be.

it USED to be that we could drive looongdistance without getting out to stretch. it USED to be that we could drive looongdistance and sip on venti coffees to our heart’s content. it USED to be that we could drive looongdistance without finding restrooms. it USED to be that we’d drive looongdistance and snack our way across the country. it USED to be that we could blithely hop out of the vehicle at any point and skip around the rest area. it USED to be that we could drive late into the wee hours of the night and still be wide awake. it USED to be we could drive 17 or 19 hours in a day. it USED to be that we were intrepid.

this is no longer what it used to be.

now, we drive, still snacking our way across the country because some things never change. but after about two hours we stop. we locate a restroom. we slooowly peel ourselves off the seat of the car and unbend our bentbodies. we stretch, groaning. we ponder walking away from the car. maybe we get a lesssssliquid espresso. we study google maps. we calculate our next stop. we check on when the sun is setting. we take a deep breath. we drive again. and repeat. and we love it! even now.

roadtrips r us.

but they’re no longer what they used to be.

*****

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the later it gets. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

the truth is, he’s pretty much always adorable.

well, except for when he’s bugging me.

then, not so much.

and in the middle of the night – him sleeping like a baby and snoring like a freight train – while i am sitting there, wide awake, gazing adoringly at his smug-sweet-sleeping-snoring face – as much as i remind myself my insomnia is not his fault – it is neither his joy or his angst – it is not his to own or relinquish – it is not his to have and to hold – he tends to bug me just the teensiest-tiniest-minutest-nanoscopicest-infinitesimalest-bit.

not so adorable.

*****

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food bliss. [kerri’s blog on saturday morning smack-dab.]

yowza. we are not up-to-date.

it shocks us every time we are out. at the grocery store, at a department store or boutique, at a restaurant. the prices!

though we love a wonderful epicurean experience just like the next person, we rarely have them out in cafes or eateries. the cost of eating out and a generous tip equals quite a few groceries for us. so instead, we end up creating our own dining experiences – at our kitchen table or in the sunroom under happy lights or out on the deck or somewhere else at our pop-up table and stools. we eat as healthy as we can and enjoy a glass of wine with dinner when we can. nothing fancy.

because we believe it’s not really about the food. it’s about being together.

i remember when we were on the whole30 diet. we’d pass a tray full of scrumptious brownies and be taunted by their deliciousness. ultimately – because brownies are not on the whole30 – we’d walk on. and the thing we’d remember is that the brownie experience would have only been about five minutes of food bliss.

in paris – with fabulous cuisine and bistros at every turn – we picnicked at parks and on cathedral steps with baguettes and cheese, olives and tiny salads, glasses of wine. neither of us felt gypped. instead, it was an experience rich with blissful moments, immersed in the city.

and so it’s a little bit like that with eating out for us.

we either need to get the side salad and bread or we just need to find our food bliss somewhere else.

*****

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