reverse threading

the path back is the path forward

Monthly Archives: June 2023


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yes. proud. [merely-a-thought monday]

on friday i projected being proud to be there – at chicago pridefest. i underestimated it.

even in its boisterous volume – loop high-fidelity-noise-reduction-earplugs and all, even in its crowded-can-hardly-move streets – take a breath, take a breath, take a breath, even in its vast array of body-expression – everyone seeming so comfortable on this day in their own skin, i felt at home. there was not one time we experienced any rudeness. there was not one time anyone excluded us. there was not one time anyone looked us up and down, measuring, discerning, approving or disapproving. there was not one time anyone seemed in-your-face superior. there was freedom. there was the peace of acceptance. there was – love of one another – as far as the eye could see.

our son’s friends ran to greet us and a tiny little girl passed out rainbow happy face buttons. we browsed the merch booths and returned to the corner in time for our son’s performance. an EDM artist, his show was seamless and powerfully energetic.

i might have worn different shoes. the health app on my phone said 9.7 miles. i’m thinking it was more. it was impossible not to dance, so i’m pretty sure that added to the steps i took, but keen sandals are not really dancing shoes. i don’t know if the tevas would have been better. what i do know is i had really happy feet and that doesn’t even start to compare to my heart.

though most of the time i watched my-son-on-stage-in-his-element…his imperative, as david said, “making music that sets people free.” i turned around a few times, to look at the crowd behind us.

people blissfully dancing, moving, touching, hugging, smiling. there didn’t seem to be one iota of self-consciousness or doubt. it wasn’t about wondering if they belonged, if their actions – or their very beings – would be measured against some heteropatriarchal b-s.

and i was so proud.

proud of our son and his music. proud of his really kind friends. proud of the people dancing around us. proud of the fishnet statements and the rainbows and the exposed skin.

this is what the world should model itself after. this is what our country should model itself after. this is what our communities should model themselves after. period.

and then – in the forwarding of love as the only north star – all could be proud.

*****

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what matters. [saturday morning smack-dab.]

one of my favorite memories of time spent with columbus was fishing with him up at the mountain lake. gently he handed me a fishing pole and explained the fish thereabouts and we made our way down to the shoreline. i could have stood there all day, my line in the water, casting again and again and dreaming. surrounded by mountains and aspen trees and tall pine, i was standing in heaven. the fish didn’t really matter.

the times i spent fishing on long island were generally from a boat. crunch and i would mosey out into the sound – at all times of day or night – and drop in a line. we’d talk quietly and ponder life and watch the stars and drift a bit. it, too, was a bit of heaven. and it never really mattered if there was anything on the stringer at the end of the day.

up in ely, 20 took us out on the vast lakes. the boundary waters were absolutely quiet. we dropped in lines with no real expectation. trolling around, we were surprised when we ended the day with a few fish. i can’t remember that i caught any of them.

i haven’t ever fished in wisconsin. no real reason. we prefer the pontoon boat up north or getting a little lost in time in the canoe.

and it is true – i’m not really good at fishing. though i relish the time in the boat or, better yet, on that mountain shoreline, it’s not really the fish that matter.

what matters is the serenity found in the waiting, the time spent outside being quiet together, the being there.

*****

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proud at pride. [k.s. friday]

and tomorrow we will go to chicago. we’ll metra downtown and walk to boystown. there will be sooo many people. and with them, we will stand on the corner of halsted and waveland and watch our son perform on-stage outside in the rainbowed city.

and we will celebrate pride.

to say i am overjoyed at his producing of music these days would be an understatement. his zeal is full-on and he is squeezing every last minute of every day as he works in his professional position full-time and djs edm (electronic dance music) the rest of the time.

at his condo in chicago, in his studio, he demonstrated to me how he creates. as an analog artist, it was a fascinating experience to glean this complex digital mixing of tracks, layering, feathering, a sedimentary piece of music produced with great intention. it is hard not to dance as i watch. it’s hard not to be aware of the invisible bit of baton i hold, poised to pass. and i am aware of the contagious quivering of excitement, the gift of his sharing his process, how much i understand – on a cellular, heart level – how this creating feeds him. and then…then, there’s the joy…

different genres, but i still grok how my son feels. knowing that what you are producing is resonating with someone – someones, if you will – is powerful inspiration. i won’t forget the release of my first album and, even at number fifteen years later, it was with both the same excitement and vulnerability as the first. time and study and experimenting and lessons bank courage, though, so we each keep on keeping on, growing – much like anything in life to which we give time and attention.

i’d imagine that the day my yamaha c5 was delivered into my studio felt much like the day he upgraded his decks and gear. i’d imagine the day i stood in the sitting room with the chicago radio station on – waiting – and then my music aired – the first airplay ever – feels much like his tracks being signed to major edm labels, waiting to be released. i’d imagine the applause, stepping into the apron, at the end of a piece, feels much like the exhilarated dancing and cheers of the crowds at his gigs. i get it.

you know you are merely one artist in a universe of artists. humility. relevancy. there is much to learn. for both of us. always. the arc of an artist is never really done.

we have spent nights watching our son stream from clubs. 2am is later than it used to be but it’s a thrill to watch him in his element. we’ve listened to every single track he has sent us, every idea, every gesture in whatever iteration. we’ve connected our remote speaker and played his music during our happy hour, i’ve listened with ear buds on soundcloud, spotify, iTUNES. but tomorrow…

it is with much pride we will stand and watch our son. it is with much pride that we will be surrounded by his friends and by the community. it is with much pride that we’ll dance and cheer along with the gathered crowd. it is with much pride that we celebrate pride.

*****

UNFOLDING ©️ 2004 kerri sherwood

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under… [d.r. thursday]

one time – probably about eight years ago – we had a giant argument under this vast ceiling. giant. there are not many places to go stew when you are at olgivie – it’s the terminal chicago station for the metra we take to the city and full of people. an uncomfortable time at best, it basically forced us to look at each other, invite in a little grace and figure it out.

one time – probably last week or so – we had a tiff on the trail under the bluest-blue sky. it’s not like one can go steaming through the woods, looking for a place to sit and sulk. one has to keep moseying on, down the path. and so, seething for those moments, we linked arms – as is our custom – kept walking, invited in a little grace, figured it out.

one time – ten years ago now – under the dropped ceiling of o’hare’s gate f8 – having both just flown in from different places in the country to meet there – david got down on one knee. never-minding the zillions of people walking by, pulling luggage, toting backpacks, crying children, coffee spilling, overhead flight announcements, we started the next part of our journey together – already in grace, already figuring it out.

when we go to chicago, we either drive the backroads or take the train down. we never drive the interstate there. it’s just too much – too frenetic, too rushed, too busy. we both feel that part of getting there IS the getting-there.

so that must translate to relationships as well. part of getting there IS the getting-there. and that includes the tough moments as well as the really easy ones. it includes the times when you are “ucky” (as the guy at the oyster bar said the other night) to each other and the times when you are generous. it includes the times you wonder what you’re doing and the times tears of gratitude rush to your eyes. it includes the times you know very well that your best-neighbors-to-the-west know you are arguing and the times that people-you-don’t-know stop you to tell you they love watching you wander the neighborhood arm in arm. all of it.

the architectural ceiling of ogilvie makes me smile. though we don’t live in chicago, the many times we have exited metra into the station have given us easy time downtown. the getting-there was simple – sit on the train and watch the outside woosh by. and each time we exit onto the platform and head into the atrium of the station, every moment we’ve spent there suspends from the high rafters. the good ones and the rare-but-admittedly-not-so-good ones.

and then we walk out into the day, under expansive sky, arm-in-arm, and get about getting to the next.

*****

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AND NOW, acrylic, nfs

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thank you, george winston. [not-so-flawed wednesday]

in 1971 he came up with it: “rural folk piano”. uncluttered, melodic, uncomplicated, “inspired by the seasons and the topographies and regions, and, occasionally, by sociological elements” – a reflection of where he was at. we – solo pianists and composers – owe george winston a debt of gratitude. he has just died, in the last days, but the impact of his work will continue to reverberate through speakers and earbuds and, significantly, through the works of those of us who have followed him.

i chatted briefly with george once. it was after one of his concerts early in my recording career and i can’t remember if he had put his shoes back on. he doesn’t speak much in concert; he lets his melodies do that for him. they are profuse and intelligent and articulate, always evocative. but just like some might think that they know everything i am thinking or feeling because of this blog or my music, a listener might think they know everything george was thinking or feeling because of his music. i’m guessing for george, but think neither is truly the case, entirely. blogs and music compositions, words and notes can certainly disclose some of the soul, but i suspect that, just as is true for me, the complete autobiography is not found in completion there – it is also found in the reflections all around us.

there are few people – instrumental aficionados, especially – who have not listened to george winston’s 1982 release “december”. it is exquisite. it went triple platinum and was on the billboard 200 for 136 weeks. his work – a plethora of gorgeous albums – gave serious credence to melodic solo piano and set the stage for a next set of composers – those of us writing emotional piano pieces, some solo, some with orchestration – and the subsequent contemporary radio airplay that ensued. by the time i wrote my fourth album, a/c airplay was possible and – for that purpose – pieces were kept under 4 minutes, and, even, closer to 3:30.

the reflections in the building across the river are entrancing. black on cobalt, it’s all a curiosity.

the reflection of those-who-have-come-before-us reveals in our own zeal to create, to speak, to have voice. artistry.

it is with gratitude and a deep appreciation for his wizardry that i thank george winston. his star will always shine with brilliance and his legacy will resonate throughout the ages.

*****

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the allure of the galvanized. [two artists tuesday]

i guess the allure is in the texture. rough-hewn, rusting bolts, galvanized metal. there is something about this that reminds me of the b-24 bombers my sweet poppo told me stories about. something about the rivets that make me think of his own WWII bomber – “boomerang betsy” – shot down, and the “strawberry bitch” bomber we visited at the national museum of the air force in dayton, ohio.

my dad and my brother spent great deals of time using their phenomenal mechanical skills. they brought a 1930 model A back to life, transformed a long island lighting company van into a camper, rebuilt engines, tinkered with vw bug after vw bug, and kept vehicles going. neither were mechanics specifically by trade, but when i was little and they were out in the garage or in the driveway working, i loved spending time watching them and maybe handing them a tool or two.

the other day we went to pick up littlebabyscion, who had had a new catalytic converter installed. not a small job, but a totally necessary one to pass emissions testing. we were glad to bring LBS home afterward, “pass” form in hand. tiny problem though – it was making a new sound. now, that can strike some ample fear into a person when the odometer reads 267,000 miles. but – having listened to this sweet little vehicle for 266,750 of its miles – i felt i could sort of pinpoint the type of noise it was. so we brought it back.

they put it up on a lift. this, in and of itself, doesn’t sound like a big deal until you consider the 267k miles, its 17 years of life and wisconsin’s love of salty roads in the winter. they g.e.n.t.l.y. put LBS on a lift. we were invited in to look underneath.

now – for me, this is a neato-keeno kind of thing! from underneath, the mechanic explained what we were looking at and – based on my mention of the type of sound it was making (like a clip holding the exhaust piping had come undone and was rattling) he found a weld that had failed. he installed a stainless strap and lowered LBS back to the ground. no more noise. well, no more of THAT noise. jokingly, he added, “you’re hired!” over his shoulder at me.

there’s something about rough-hewn galvanized sheet metal begging my attention.

and there IS something about more analog-type engines and their underworkings that really does fascinate me.

maybe it’s all the steel and rivets and bolts and strategizing and solving mysteries. if a, then b, analytical thinking, even syllogisms.

or maybe it’s really just because it conjures up all the times i sat gazing at my dad and my brother, the smell of grease and the look of old metal in all its glory.

*****

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waveform. [merely-a-thought monday]

it was a cacophony of sound in the restaurant. so.many.people. but it’s chicago and it’s summertime and it was a beautiful night and a trendy 7pm dinner hour, so it’s to be expected. we leaned in to hear our daughter speak and figured most eateries at that hour would be similar. i’d imagine that the frequency decibels would be all over the place and that any recording of the ambient sound would have to be compressed in mastering to accommodate the full spectrum, most especially the louds, the gain between quiet dinner and boisterous restaurant.

i’ve looked over the shoulder of my producer probably hundreds of times, watching the waveform of my music. reducing sound and hours of composing to crisp contrails, manipulating them, editing, mixing, ultimately mastering – it’s complexity, the telling of narrative, an artform in itself.

i would imagine that – somewhere – there is one colossal frequency wave. it started when all-time started and it keeps going. it builds and wanes and layers all manners of sound – the roaring ocean, a tiny peeper frog, a destructive tornado, a baby’s first cry. it mixes piano and the gentle ding of a triangle, cymbal washes and sweeping cello lines. it wraps in first graders singing in denver and the country artist on the flatbed in nashville and the happy guy in the shower in fort wayne. it expands with the din of the city and gets tiny under northern lights and the milky way. it soars over countries, soaking up rich sounds of tradition and ritual, vernacular music.

and then, the frequency wave – giant, unending, inclusive of all sound – is distilled by the wind. it becomes a bit less distinct, its edges are less rigid. particles break off and float, and, though they remain in the atmosphere a long while, they begin to fade, eventually fading as if to zero.

but just as the wave feathers on one end, it grows on the other, pushing forward. and all things continue. all sounds have a place in the wave.

and we listen to live music and the birds at 4am. and we listen to the voices of beloveds and mournful foghorns. and we listen to laughter and sighs. and we listen to the rain and the silence of sunrise. and we listen to harmony and dissonance and cacophony.

and it’s all a contrail in the sky.

*****

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anytime you want. [saturday morning smack-dab.]

there is a scene in “sweet home alabama” when – as a little girl and a little boy on a beach – he tells her he wants to marry her so he can kiss her any time he wants. later – after the whole circle of the story plays out, the camera returns to the two of them, grown, on the beach in a pouring-rain-lightning-storm. he asks her why she would want to be married to him and she responds, “so i can kiss you anytime i want.”

it is a classic moment.

were we all able to stay in that simplicity, relationships between two people – any two people – who love each other might have a better chance in this complex world. so much work goes into our love relationships, and sometimes we all forget they are about just that – love.

yesterday a friend told us that – during covid – after her husband had a heart attack – along with many other serious difficulties – she was unable to see him for weeks. and then. now, she is grateful to be able to touch his skin. simply that. touch his skin. it doesn’t take away the tough moments or the potential arguments or slights or angsts, but she tells us – eyes glistening – that, for her, it is about touching his skin.

sometimes it is simply a kiss. sometimes it is touching skin. sometimes it is a dance.

anytime you want.

*****

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in the great pause. [k.s. friday]

in the great pause we are experiencing, things have risen to the top.

they are the cardinals on the fence, the house finch sipping from the dogdish, the hummingbird at the feeder, dogga sleeping on the deck, the smell of sauteing onions and garlic, ice water in a glass, the sun rising out the sunroom window, the play of first light on our quilt, the sound of the trail under our feet, the mayapple flowers tucked in and peeking out from the canopy, the piney scent through the stand, the repeating arvo pärt on the cd player, photographs, the gurgling pond out back, bunbun and the chippies, glass doorknobs, the basil plant on the potting stand, the first coffee, a hot shower, lavender soap, open windows, butterflies, five-year-aged cheddar and sips of wine, writing next to each other, repeated ritual touchstones in our week, unrushed hugs, the squirrel highway, the sound of a text on the phone, anticipation, generosities, idiosyncrasies, the peonies, sunny days of little humidity, the feel of old wood floors under bare feet, hagstones, smooth worry rocks tucked in our pockets.

and with these things of absolute greatness, we slow down and – in the way of centripetal forces spinning, spinning, around, around – we center. and wait.

“this is the time to be slow,

lie low to the wall

until the bitter weather passes.

try, as best you can, not to let

the wire brush of doubt

scrape from your heart

all sense of yourself

and your hesitant light.

if you remain generous,

time will come good;

and you will find your feet

again on fresh pastures of promise

where the air will be kind

and blushed with beginning.”

(john o’donohue – to bless the space between us)

*****

taking stock ©️ 2010 kerri sherwood

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under one sun. [d.r. thursday]

we went back to the beach. it was only our third time there but it’s beginning to feel familiar. we know the driftwood to lean back against, the curve in the shoreline where the waves break. the sand is warm, the breeze off the lake is cool; it’s a perfect combination and we’ve brought sandwiches along. we walk with our heads down, searching for hagstones and beach glass. it’s a sanctuary minus the trappings – physical and emotional – one often finds in buildings with sanctuaries.

each rock is intriguing. there are infinite shapes and sizes, rocks of all imagination. i pick up more than i tuck away, but i appreciate the spectrum of diversity and i wonder where they have been before they arrived on this lake michigan shoreline. what’s the story behind each stone, behind the tiny bits of glass, behind the wave-beaten-smooth pieces of brick. each narrative counts.

we brought a book but we didn’t read it. we hadn’t started it yet. we do that later in the day. rebecca makkai’s “the great believers” – a good read for pride month, a profound novel highlighting the aids crisis starting early to mid 1980s. there are places familiar to us in this book – chicago, boystown, door county – we find it easy to immerse as we read aloud. we are transported in time – back to those days of early recognition of this dreadful viral infection. human immunodeficiency virus has not ceased and there are still millions of people with life-threatening and chronic symptoms. there are stories familiar to us in this book – for we are both artists and we both finished our undergrad work in the early 80s. there are people familiar to us in this book – though these are characters, in life they have been our friends and, now, they are the friends of our son, the tight-knit unconditionally-loving LGBTQ community. they are all treasured and unique hagstones and beachglass – gorgeous in human form.

the stash of rocks ended up on the dining room table, all fanned out on its worn surface. they are glorious bits of a stunning day. the stone that looked like a guitar pick with a feather beret cap stayed on the beach. i took it home in my camera instead.

we have plans for the next time. more snacks. maybe swimwear.

we have plans for pride in chicago. more compassion. maybe tie-dye.

we are merely two people walking on a vast beach, among zillions of beautiful rocks of all sorts, zillions of people of all sorts. it’s all familiar. it’s all unfamiliar. but it’s all a sanctuary under one sun.

*****

read DAVID’S thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY

surrender now, 24 x 24, acrylic, framed

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