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the path back is the path forward

Tag Archives: presence


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live this way. [kerri’s blog on two artists tuesday]

standing under the desert night sky – zillions of stars and the milky way just lingering out there above me. stunning. it was like an umbrella of humility. we are so very tiny, after all.

yet, on this clear night, on the border of arizona and utah, i stood holding hands with my husband on this stargazing deck, merely feet from dear friends. i thought about recent photos our son had posted of the starry sky in utah while exploring with our daughter. i could feel the love i had for each of them – it felt enormous – and yet, i am so tiny, after all.

last week i was taken by ambulance to the emergency room. i have never been treated by 911 paramedics and firemen before, nor have i ever been in an ambulance. but the situation seemed pretty dire and david needed back-up from people who had medical and emergency knowledge.

in the emergency room, i was struck both by how many people were present for me and how many people needed care. each person treating me was empathetic and caring; each one made me feel like they had true concern for what was happening.

and no one asked me about my political stance before they treated me.

instead, i was one star in the sky and they were each nearby stars. no one was greater than the other. we were all in it together, working with each other to a common goal.

in the period of time i was at the emergency room, two dedicated nurses, a doctor, an x-ray tech, other aides all assisted in attempting to figure out what was happening. hours later, i was grateful for each of them, for their expertise, their comprehensive care, their kindness.

this is the world i wish to live in…where we are all equal stars in a vast sky full of different stars. where we are all working together. where we have compassion and concern for each other, where we strive for everyone to be well.

this is the world i wish to live in…where rage doesn’t exist, where no one makes excuses for bigotry, where people bring their best and do the best they can for each other, no one belittles others, no one dehumanizes any one else – regardless of their gender, their race, their ethnicity, their sexual orientation or identification, their religion, their socioeconomic status.

it was no joke going to the hospital in an ambulance. everything most important to me was needlenose-pointedly front and center in my mind. i was scared and i was counting completely on others.

and i carried this from my experience – now, as i heal from all of it – reinforcing we need live this way. like we are stars in the sky – indiscernibly no bigger or brighter than the rest – all part of the enormous galaxy – all in it together.

we need hold each other up, lift each other up, live present to the moment, hold joy as our north star.

the opposite is toxic.

a punitive, uncaring, narcissistic, demeaning, rights-stripping, rage-filled, hateful, vengeful, limited world is a waste of time.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this TWO ARTISTS TUESDAY

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the past, the present, the future. [kerri’s blog on not-so-flawed wednesday]

our daughter wrote, “it’s a hidden gem!” and i agree. we were grateful for her encouraging us to adventure here.

one of my favorite places, goblin valley state park in utah was a playground like no other. two artists – with active imaginations – we could have stayed there all day. this place – full of hoodoos and really interesting sandstone/siltstone formations engaged us, made us giggle, invited us to run about in delight, insisted we play.

we were invigorated – even in intense heat and unforgiving sun. even as we were there – even before we had to leave – we talked about coming back, to be with these sprites, enchanting stone babies.

we traveled to many national parks in our nine days all together. though we would hike to take photographs and explore sites a bit, our inclination to hike the narrows at zion remains a wish for another day, trails at bryce remain unseen. the hike right up to delicate arch at arches will have to wait and an attempt at crossing the grand canyon – rim to rim – or even riding down into the canyon didn’t make the cut – this time.

but goblin valley was another story. and the absolute charm of these goblins tugged at us – taunting us and enchanting us.

i sat down on one of these sandstone sculptures, tucked into its graceful shape – mystified by the sheer beauty of the valley. once again, i was but a tiny being, part of a much bigger whole.

this time – this time – i was touching the past, the present and the future…a sandstone deposit from 170 million years ago…this very day…and these magical hoodoos which would prevail long after i am gone.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this NOT-SO-FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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to share this. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

if it were possible to feel like a pine tree, this would have been the day.

in the vastness of this bryce canyonland, we stood on the edge – like this pine tree – and gazed over an incredible expanse. it was not merely beautiful. it was beyond words.

and, once again, i felt it in my heart – that wobbly feeling you get when you realize – truly realize – how utterly small you are in all of thissssss.

we celebrate our anniversary today. there is so much more to explore. there are many more adventures to be had. there are more uphills and downhills. there are more learnings and experiences and times to hold.

and there are more moments like this – where we are reminded of the tiny morsels of being that we are and the sheer gratitude for the chance to be here, to share this.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY

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same moon. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

i stood in the river.

years ago now. it was almost inky night, clear, a bit brisk but not windy. as i moved from the bank into the middle of the flow i noticed it. the moonline followed me…everywhere i went. despite all the time i had already spent at water’s edge and on the water, it was the first time – in my memory – that it became apparent to me – this moonbeam shadow of mine.

and i think of you – my love, my children, my family, dear friends – next to me or somewhere else in this world – looking at the night sky as well. this same moon. with your own personal moonbeam shadow. and i am heartened by our sharing of this. for if we are looking at the same moon, then certainly we are not too far from each other. under the same sky, the same stars, the same blanket of galaxy.

so as i stand on rocks next to lake michigan i am reassured by this season of the full moon. and as i think of you, i whisper along the beam, hoping that the moon will deliver you my words.

“…when the moon dances in your hair, i will be there…for all the days of your life, for all your life …” (kerri sherwood – for all your life)

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY

UNFETTERED. ©️ david robinson

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the grand way. [kerri’s blog on not-so-flawed wednesday]

“burning sundown, colored autumn trees, mountain rivers, country livers put my mind at ease. and to realize such perfect harmonies, i’m standing in the dawn of a new day coming on and i’m looking for no tomorrow.” (john denver – in the grand way)

breck is turning. little by little we can see it. if it isn’t too stressed in a week or two, this aspen will be golden and its leaves will shimmer in the sun. breck is standing in the moment…tall, steadfast, perfect…in the dawn of a new day coming on.

i get that. after everything, every big and little thing that has happened over the last few years, i feel like i am – at last and finally – standing in the dawn – here, now – and looking for no tomorrow.

we are – in this sweet phase – doing right now. to be present in your present is, i think, a gift you give yourself. we sprint the rest of the time – striding, striding, sprinting, sprinting – to something we can’t necessarily qualify. we’ve all taken our turn doing this.

and, sitting in the mountain stream, we laid it all down. it floated off with the leaf bits floating past our old brown boots perched on slippery rocks in the middle of the flow. looking for no tomorrow.

breck is beautiful every day. so is this life.

we are – in the grand way.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this NOT-SO-FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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golden. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

“as we walk in fields of gold…” (gordon matthew sumner (sting) – fields of gold)

it is the grasses that thrive in our yard. the hostas have mostly yielded to the daylilies and the ferns have volunteered into a bigger garden out in the corner under the trees. the peonies hold their own – their blooms ever the sweetest. but the grasses – planted in our sandy soil near the lake – multiply and thrive.

were we to be dropped out of the galaxy into our yard, we would at least be able to identify the season – based on the ornamental grasses that grace our gardens. they are stalwart and enduring, coming back despite whatever is happening in our own universe, in the world. they are tuned to the sun and the moon and they set a high bar of appreciation for their renewal, their robust, their willowy feathered plumage, their verdant green in summer and this golden glow in fall.

we sit and gaze at these gardens of gold, particularly as dusk’s setting sun plays over them. we are smitten.

i am planting two new roots of peony, a generous gift from my sister-in-law. carefully we have decided where to place these tiny plant souls. they will flower in white blossoms, different blooms from each other. i will cluster them with one of our hot pink peonies – the one that hasn’t yet budded. and, hopefully, the grasses adjacent in the garden will keep an eye on these newcomers. we can gently plant, water and feed, be mindful of recommendations, but the garden will also tend itself and my sister-in-law has reassured me that peonies are so tough and hardy that they don’t necessarily need anything special. welcome words, as we are really neophytes at this.

there are many gardens with much more variety, that are more exquisite, more elegant, lavish, even opulent. yet, each time we come home – or finish our day on the deck or the patio – now that we have passed by the equinox and autumn is sweeping in on the departing wings of summer – i am grateful for these fields of gold in our yard. the steadfast spirit of these golden grasses aligns with us.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY

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when you’re ready to see it. [kerri’s blog on two artists tuesday]

our sweet dogga is getting older. we don’t want to see it, but the grey on his muzzle is telling. though more recently – with his new homemade-in-our-kitchen chicken/rice/peas-and-carrots dinners – he seems more energetic, his needs are ever-present in our thoughts and the consideration we have when we are deciding on what our day or days will involve. he is a happy errand-goer and we try to incorporate an errand or two on which he might go along; on days it’s too hot outside, one of us stays in littlebabyscion with the a/c on to accommodate him and keep him safe.

in this reflection of our front door, doggle is waiting for his unkajohn to arrive, filled with excited anticipation. though this happens twice a week – 20 and the two of us share dinners regularly – dogga is as just excited each time.

i took this photograph almost a week ago from our front stoop. i showed it to d and he commented that it was a cool photo. it was only a few moments ago – as we uploaded the image to wordpress – that he realized that dogdog was in the picture.

it reminded me of that ink blot from back in the day where you are supposed to see jesus and all i could see was a dark blot that sort of resembled the shape of the united states – until just now – truly, just now – when i googled the blot and jesus became obvious.

some things are just hard to see at first. i guess you see stuff when you are ready to see it. that sounds more profound than i meant it – particularly about photographs and ink blots – but i would guess that it is true about other enlightenments. suddenly – seemingly out of the blue or with the generous help of a treasured therapist – we understand something, have clarity of sight, thought or emotion. suddenly, we connect the dots. suddenly, things fall into place and there is the inimitable “ahhh” moment. and the flow starts.

i recently had an event that sent me to the emergency room. it felt like a heart event – and had all the warning signs – and it was scary. after numerous ER tests, i followed up with my own physician – a doctor of osteopathy who i had only met with a couple times. her diagnosis was positive as she read the results of the tests i had; for reassurance she recommended that i follow through with a local cardiologist. but here’s the most important thing…she recommended myofascial massage.

i’m from the east coast – and david spent most of his adult life on the west coast – but here in the midwest, natural solutions to physical ailments or concerns are not all that commonplace. even the ones that make sense.

“trauma and stress,” my pcp said, “get stuck in the fascia of your body.” myofascial massage releases the restriction in the connective tissue of your body. this restriction manifests in a variety of ways, causing pain or inflammation. and so, she recommended i try it.

i’ve been to one appointment with my myofascial massage therapist. it had inordinately profound moments. it nearly brought me to weep when – using the gentlest of touch on my shoulders – i could feel myself breathe. reeeally breathe. deeply breathe. safely breathe.

the dots connected.

i couldn’t see this tension that was existing – thriving – in the fascia of my own body from trauma much earlier in my life – just like david couldn’t see dogga in the photo and i couldn’t see jesus in the ink blot. but it was all there – tension, dogga, jesus. but it must have been time. time for me to see it. i was more than ready.

and i can feel the flow – albeit a trickle – starting.

and now, as i wait for my next appointment with this obviously gifted myofascial massage therapist, i am filled with excited anticipation – like dogdog waiting at the door for his unkajohn.

*****

read DAVID’S thoughts this TWO ARTISTS TUESDAY

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thankful on the clothesline. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

it was in full support of intentional redundancy that i jotted this down as soon as nathan on alone season 6 said it, “the only currency we have is gratitude.”

it was without hesitation i looked up belleruth naperstek’s prayer for healing, “just give me this … so i can start over, fresh and clean, like sweet sheets billowing in the summer sun, my heart pierced with gratitude.”

it is with humility I find myself starting another new day – just after the fall solstice – with a clear etch-a-sketch, a blank notebook ready to be filled. there is but one breath between here and not here and it would seem prudent that i have wholehearted gratefulness for that breath.

so it is without any self-editorial skirmish that i write – once again – about gratitude.

it really is kind of about breathing those breaths, about waking up, about the turn of seasons. it really is about appreciating another inhale-exhale – this chance to be alive and how we choose to embrace it.

in these times, the distinction of starting over on another day is clear. the clothesline waits for the kind of prayers we hang on it. there is a vastness between billowing sweet sheets – fresh, clean, hopeful, and limp skanky soilage – deflating, stale, regressive.

we all have choices. we may uphold the efforts of those who forward goodness, who pursue equality, who speak emphatically about the care and concern of all.

or we may uphold the efforts of those who forward vitriol and egoistic agenda, who pursue limits on people based on bigoted skews, who spew vile exclusion.

life just seems way too short to live ugly.

i am personally choosing being on the clothesline in the waning summer sun. billowing and breathing and giving thanks.

*****

read DAVID’S thoughts this MERELY-A-THOUGHT MONDAY

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with barney. [kerri’s blog on k.s. friday]

“the longer i live, the more beautiful life becomes.” (frank lloyd wright)

if it wasn’t ‘copying’ i would also get this inked on my body. but my beloved daughter – a bunch of years ago now – chose this as a tattoo and copying it – despite the clear wisdom of this quote – would be taboo.

it is intensely true.

the longer you live, the more beautiful life becomes.

if you take sweet time to notice.

in a most wonderful day tuesday we jaunted about, gathering knowledge and trying on new hiking boots. we joked about falling arches and bunions, our feet – somehow – getting substantially bigger, the trail-running we won’t attempt, heck, the running we will never do again, pinky toes resistant to closed shoes. it is somewhat liberating to not have the same expectations we once had. there is a different bar.

at the end of this wonderfulday i stepped outside and was struck by the moon. we immediately took off – practically sprinting (note: not running) – down the road to the lake, so that we could watch the harvest moon rise and feel its moonbeam as it chased us on the shoreline.

we sat on the deck after a long walk in perfect night air along the lake. and we celebrated our day. for in it we had tended to things that feed us – writing, exercising, eating well, planning for future hikes, laughing.

we know that our next will not resemble our past. we know that there are no corporate or organizational positions in our future. we know that aging is perceived differently by the hiring crowd than by the aging. we also know that we have aged each and every day of our lives so we don’t place parameters on what is possible. we don’t underestimate the wisdom of the ages or the insights of aging, though the word sort of makes me shudder.

and then I wonder why. why does the word “aging” give me a bit of the heebie-jeebies? I looked up the word. multiple sources. and each time i discovered that 65 is considered “elderly”. sheesh. no wonder ageism is alive and well in this country. developing nations base their assignment of old age on a person’s ability to actively contribute to society. though the united nations considers old age to be 60 and beyond, i also discovered research that suggests only a tiny percentage of adults 65 and older actually consider “old” to happen before the age of 60. we are most definitely in the camp that rejects old-before-old.

according to britannica.com, “there is no single theory that explains all of the phenomena of aging.”

no single theory. well, of course not!!

barney is still out back, soaking in summer sun and winter snow and everything in every season. he houses chippies and is a resting place for birds and scampering squirrels. he doesn’t serve as a piano now, but his soul is still a piano. barney is more beautiful than the day he came out of the dank basement boiler room and arrived in our backyard.

barney and i say, bring on the mystery!

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this K.S. FRIDAY

listen to IT’S A LONG STORY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofvt66SA_4s

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listen on PANDORA

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more beautiful now. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

we live by big water.

much the way we are drawn to the mountains, we are drawn to big water. more and more. both.

and more and more – each and every day – we are amazed. even by its ordinary. big and little ways.

diamonds have ridden the waves of lake michigan for all time. yet, each day further on the timeline of this life, they become more beautiful, more intense, sparklier.

the lyrics brought tears to both of our faces as we listened. susan had sent us a song, “you were beautiful then but you’re way more beautiful now.” (beautiful now – james maddock )

yes. yes, this is true. i have seen photographs of him younger. he looked a lot like david cassidy – that longer, feathered back hair, those eyes, that smile. he was – in every good use of the word (feminine or masculine) – beautiful. i didn’t know him back then. just like he didn’t know me in my midriff-hiphugger-bellbottom-wearing days. those days – well – those are the olden days.

but now is different. i look at his face and his eyes, his long hair peppered with grey – this man now – and i know – just like the song – he is way more beautiful now.

and so, for a bit, i wonder why the diamonds on the lake are more beautiful and why the sky is bluer and why the early morning air is breathtaking and why this man – sharing life with me for eleven years – is more beautiful now than he was then.

and i know that every single thing is.

it is impossible to hold onto the gossamer threads of these moments now. they fly by and next week i will feel like this week was eons ago. we are trying to hold them as we drift by in this sometimes-lazy-sometimes-raging river. they slip out of our hands, like trying to hold onto the river itself.

and everything – every single thing – has its own sparkle.

and we try to see that each day. we try to remember our very fragile place on the soil of this earth. we try to grok beauty in the simplest things and in the hardest things.

mostly, though, we can see it in each other and it reminds us. however beautiful he was before, he is way more beautiful now.

“from sleep i fall to waking” and morning – like time, in the way it keeps going and going – graces everything with shiny, shimmering glitter.

we look and – now – we can see it.

way more.

*****

read DAVID’S thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY

EMBRACED NOW mixed media 48″ x 36″

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